Divorce and Narcissism

It’s Far From Being Done

Even though my divorce was finalized April 6, 2017, his influence and nasty behaviors still influence me and my kids. 

As suspected, his “hypothetical” move to Florida is becoming more of a “possibility,” as he tells the kids. They are crushed. I clean up the mess. He is mad that they are upset. I clean up the mess. 

Found razor blades in my daughter’s room today. Her sixteenth birthday. I was setting up a surprise for when she comes home from school and I found them. Several. So the fear that she is cutting is there. I need to deal with this mess. Scary. 

My oldest who still lives with this douchebag father? She is so depressed that she is ending her senior of year of high school by missing more and more classes and just not caring what happens. Her future plans for staying there and taking online college courses has changed because if he moves, she has no where to live. Another mess he is making. I clean up the mess. 

He tells my kids he deserves to be happy. His lover’s kids are younger and she can’t move here. So, dickhead? Explain again how that is NOT you choosing her and her kids over your own? He had the nerve to tell my oldest when she said he needs to start being a parent that I need to do the same because I am the one who ran out and abondoned the family. 

I do want him gone. I want him to disappear. Because even when he is here, he is absent. Absent emotionally. If he leaves, at least the kids and I can begin to build some sort of normal routine without him. While it tears at my heart that they want him to be a good father yet see he is incapable, the fact that they see it now might help save them a lifetime of begging for attention and love from someone who simply cannot give it. He is damaged and broken. My mother is this way. And I wish I had learned about her what they are learning about their father. If I had known sooner, it would have saved me much heartache. I never want my kids to choose a spouse like their father. He told me when I was leaving that I hurt him deeply by exclaiming I never wanted our daughters to marry a man even remotely close to what he was like. He stated he was a good man. He is deluded. And I stand by my wishes. 

I clean up the messes. 

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Divorce and Narcissism

My Mother Is Batshit Crazy

Mom: something is wrong with your dog, I do not know what his name is. 

Me, in my head: never fuckingmind I have lived here for over a year with the dogs). And for a year I have asked her to to not feed the dogs people food because one of my dogs has horrible allergies. I have watched her feed them donuts and cake and as they are taking it out of her hand, she tells me I am a liar to accuse her of feeding them because she never feeds them. She basically says I am not seeing what I am seeing. I’ve never met a person who lies so intensely, so completely,  that they have lost all concept of reality themselves. Well, except for my ex. 

Me: his ears hurt because of the yeast infection due to eating bad foods. 

Mom: and who feeds him bad foods? Not me. Feed him better. 

Me: mom, I spend more money than I have to buy specialty dog food that is grain free. You give him bread and sweets all the time, which creates yeast and his skin is a mess, his ears are wretched. This is why I plead with you to stop feeding him. 

Mom: no I do not fed him. Why do you lie?

Me: maybe not yet today, but his reactions build with time and he can’t get better as long as you feed him people food. I spent $300 to get hm well and it won’t last because you won’t listen. 

Mom: I hate to see anything or anyone suffer. You need to do something about him. It’s cruel of you to let him suffer.  

Me: I just told you I have tried but you won’t respect what’s happening and stop feeding him people food. I can’t spend $300 every month to medicate him when you give him things that nullify the meds. 

(She now abruptly changes the subject)

Mom: I woke up from a bad dream. (Insert my ex’s name here) came here. He was in the house. I called 911 and then I woke up. 

Me: aside from coming to pick up the kids, he will never come here mom. 

Mom: why? Are you getting back together with him?

Me: are you crazy? Seriously, like crazy?! How do you derive that from what I said? I would kill myself before I got back together with hm. 

Mom: well I dreamt it. And I can not tell you what to do but if you get back together with him, you have to leave here and you can never come back. 

Me: well you’re crazy if you think every dream manifests itself into reality. I’ve dreamt I can fly. You see me soaring around in the sky yet? I also dream I live in a house where love and respect flow freely. You feel that here? 
Damn. It’s not even 6 am and all this happens. This is why I drink. It’s not even 6:30 am and I’m thinking about when I can have my first drink. 

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Well, That’s Grand

I have not written here for quite some time. I have been busy with the work program I am required to participate in in order to receive my government food and cash assistance benefits. And I have also been filled with so much anger and frustration that I find it hard to do much else when I do have a few free minute. I obsess. I panic. The wonderful part is when these panic attacks take over so much of me that I literally think I am having a heart attack or that I will just cease breathing right there on the spot. I need meds but I am afraid that he will use that in court and say I am not stable enough to have and raise the kids. I truly believe I am suffering from PTSD.

He has filed for custody of the kids, claiming I am abusive. He counter-filed for divorce claiming I was an awful wife…. I believe the legal jargon used was “gross neglect of duties…” Know what is gross? His dumb ass and that fact that I am weak.

I have lost friends over this . I have ruined relationships.

My daughters have allowed themselves to be manipulated by him, despite my warnings. These warnings are difficult to offer because I try hard to not speak ill of their father to them.. How can I do this?  I just try not to speak at all about him.  One day they are mad and hate him, the next day they love their lives and want to live with him.

I am a mess.

Oh, and he bought his lover a ring and my son found it. Do you think he admitted to this or accused my son of lying and diverted the conversation to him being a victim?  I will let you decide. He is lonely.  Poor thing. Lonely? Lonely is being surrounded by people but not being heard. Lonely is telling the truth and being real, putting yourself out there, yet losing friends. Lonely is being me. Lonely is having guys shower yo u with attention but as soon as you tell them you are not interested in a purely sexual relationship, they dump you as a friend.

I really have no idea what I am supposed to do.  But I am tired of hearing how strong I am. If people took the time to see me, really look at me, they would see  I am not, in fact, fine.

Friends, married males, think it is fine to speak to me in disgusting sexual ways. The non-married ones must think I am so desperate that it is ok to speak to me like I am a two cent whore.  People where I spend my “work” time to earn this cash assistance? Same. I am held to a different set of standards than so many people around me.

I do not know how much more I can take.  But I at least need to hang on until May 19th when I go to court.

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Thanksgiving Blessings

Wow. This day is harder than I thought it would be. Just knowing it’s the last Thanksgiving we will all be together as the family we have all known for 18 plus years, it’s a little hard. My heart hurts. 

But I’ll remember all I have to be grateful for. 

Happy Thanksgiving to all who read this. ❤️

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A Generous Offer?

I think not. I’m not selfish. Entitled. Spoiled or greedy. I’m not. I like living light. I like being thrify. But I don’t like being cheated.

I learned through looking carefully into our finances, just how little I knew all these years. I trusted him. I let myself become lazy. I did so much that letting him handle our finances seemed like a great trade-off. I trusted him. I was wrong.

I discovered he makes approximately $31,000 more annually than I was led to believe. His 401k is handsome. His contributions to it are much. I’ve been living off so little all these years, not understanding the real reason why.

During dissolution discussions, we talked about finances and alimony and child support. Last night, he made me what he called, “a generous offer.” He would like to give me $600 a month. For everything. He makes nearly six times that, twice a month, I learned.  He does not agree I am entitled to half his 401k but will give it to me. Half the house?  He said no way. But he plans to keep it and sell down the road, keeping all the money from the sale. It’s his house. He bought it.  He said things I can not believe. I’m no longer productive to him. It’s his money. I’m going to live with my mother and won’t have to pay rent or utilities. I don’t need much money. I can get my own job. His list of reasons went on and on. He believed each and every one and tried to get me to believe them as well. I did not. I was firm. I explained my stance as briefly as possible because I knew I was debating with a narcissist who is not capable of a normal thought process. I was correct. And because he felt I was going after his money and he felt uncomfortable, he did what I suspected he would eventually: the threatend to take my kids from me and tell the courts I’m crazy and an unfit mother. I told him to go ahead. He tried coming to me later to be nice. I was friendly but not warm. No more hugging me. No more. This is the same man, who I learned makes what he does per month, and he takes money from his elderly parents. And I’m the crazy one?

So now. I continue moving forward. Hiring my own attorney and filing for divorce rather than dissolution is the route I must take. I must stay smart and always a few steps ahead of him. He has zero respect or love for me. He made that very clear last night. If I ever had any lingering doubts as to if this marriage ending is the right thing to do? They are so long gone now.

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Keep Showing Me How Little You Value Me, Asshat. 

So, I just had my biweekly dissolution meeting with him. He actually stated he doesn’t want to sell the home. I asked how he planned to keep it, because there’s no way he can afford the mortgage payment plus pay me spousal and child support. He actually had the balls to look me in the eye and say that because I’m moving in with my mother and will live rent and utility free, and I’m seeking employment, he should not have to pay me spousal support. Or at least not very much at all. I asked him when he got divorced the first time, and moved in with his parents, would he have liked it if his job told him they were going to pay him less because he did not need as much money to live off of? He said it’s different because he is actually working for the company and is productive. He is producing results for them. He is valuable to them. WTF.  We ended the meeting right then. What a fucking piece of shit. An asshat. A narcissistic loser. A heartless bastard. He truly believes my worth is far far far less than his. He truly believes that he owes me nothing, after 18 years. I’ve got some serious thinking to do here. If I go after my own attorney too early, he will not permit me to take the kids three counties away. I’m obviously in no state of mind to solve any issues right now. 

Today has been a very bad day. I also learned my cancer is back and surgery is scheduled for Monday the 16th of November. Thank God I’m still covered under his insurance. But I want to owe him NOTHING. I HATE WHERE I AM IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW.  And I have not been able to complete my online assessment for the job I’m trying to get due to so many technical issues that the help desk where the assessment was created can’t even help me. 

I quit today. 

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Silence Is Golden

Today I began an intensive job search, and research into possibly taking some classes to refresh old skills and acquire new ones. This was all done in the town where I plan to relocate, about three counties away from where we currently reside. 

In therapy a few weeks ago, my husband stated that he was fine with me moving that far away. He told the therapist he understood why I wanted to move there and that he would never try to stop me from relocating there with the kids. It made sense, he said. That’s where my mother is. That’s where I have a lot of friends and a lot of support. The therapist had explained, by law, in the state of Ohio, custody issues state the relocating parent can not take the children more than one county away. I was visibly upset to learn this, but he reassured the therapist he would never prevent me from moving to this three county-away place. He said he’d sign anything right there to prove his noble intent. The therapist let him know nothing like that done in her office would hold up in court. He reassured her that he meant it. It was his word. And then the other day, privately, he told me if I go after a divorce, get a separate attorney and fight him in any way, he would not permit me to take the kids three counties away. 

This. This is the gaslighting I deal with on a regular basis. This is the stress I endure. These are the battles I privately fight. This is why I must think EVERY DECISION through more thoroughly than the average person and have multiple backup plans. This is the crazy-making that tests me daily. 

But I am stronger. I will play along, for now.  I am stronger, forever. Even when I don’t feel stronger, I am stronger. 

Driving home tonight after an exhausting day of filling out online job applications and reading countless job descriptions I would love to apply for but am not qualified for, I was discouraged. Disappointed. Feeling defeated. But I used the 90 minute drive to  center myself. To shake it off. And instead of walking in the door looking sad and defeated, I smiled. I said hello. He asked how the day went. I said “fine,” in as chipper of a voice as I could muster. I gave him less than the bare minimum details of my day. I could see it bothered him. He NEEDED to know if I got a job. If I had any leads. I said nothing to let him know what happened. Nothing. Then I excused myself to go change clothes and I dove right back into my work of cleaning and organizing and packing. I was listening to music and working at a good pace when he came downstairs and asked if I needed any help. I said “no thank you,” again, in a chipper voice. I held up a few articles of clothing that used to belong to our kids, when they were toddlers. I tossed a pair of Polo shorts to him and exclaimed with amazement that our son used to be that small!  I was smiling. He looked at them and grunted something I could not make out but I did not ask him to repeat. I really did not care what he had to say.  I just asked him to toss them in the donate pile. He went upstairs. 

I am writing this now, and in an hour from now, he and I will sit down and work for no more than an hour on our dissolution paperwork. And I will sit there and smile and be pleasant. And I will watch him like a hawk as he tries to manipulate me into stealing what is half mine after building a life with him for over 18 years. I will not allow this. I will smile and let him think he is winning but I will be preparing to get my own attorney at the first sign of him screwing me over, yet again. And I will figure out what to do about revising my plan to move three counties away if he refuses to allow it. 

I will do all this and smile because I am strong. Him? He is an asshole. He will wind up living a lonely shallow life. I won’t smile about that but I will smile because I am strong. 

And my golden silence will show him I am strong. (I might smile because I’m enjoying watching him squirm with uncertainty for a change). 

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