Divorce and Narcissism

It’s Far From Being Done

Even though my divorce was finalized April 6, 2017, his influence and nasty behaviors still influence me and my kids. 

As suspected, his “hypothetical” move to Florida is becoming more of a “possibility,” as he tells the kids. They are crushed. I clean up the mess. He is mad that they are upset. I clean up the mess. 

Found razor blades in my daughter’s room today. Her sixteenth birthday. I was setting up a surprise for when she comes home from school and I found them. Several. So the fear that she is cutting is there. I need to deal with this mess. Scary. 

My oldest who still lives with this douchebag father? She is so depressed that she is ending her senior of year of high school by missing more and more classes and just not caring what happens. Her future plans for staying there and taking online college courses has changed because if he moves, she has no where to live. Another mess he is making. I clean up the mess. 

He tells my kids he deserves to be happy. His lover’s kids are younger and she can’t move here. So, dickhead? Explain again how that is NOT you choosing her and her kids over your own? He had the nerve to tell my oldest when she said he needs to start being a parent that I need to do the same because I am the one who ran out and abondoned the family. 

I do want him gone. I want him to disappear. Because even when he is here, he is absent. Absent emotionally. If he leaves, at least the kids and I can begin to build some sort of normal routine without him. While it tears at my heart that they want him to be a good father yet see he is incapable, the fact that they see it now might help save them a lifetime of begging for attention and love from someone who simply cannot give it. He is damaged and broken. My mother is this way. And I wish I had learned about her what they are learning about their father. If I had known sooner, it would have saved me much heartache. I never want my kids to choose a spouse like their father. He told me when I was leaving that I hurt him deeply by exclaiming I never wanted our daughters to marry a man even remotely close to what he was like. He stated he was a good man. He is deluded. And I stand by my wishes. 

I clean up the messes. 

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Divorce and Narcissism

My Mother Is Batshit Crazy

Mom: something is wrong with your dog, I do not know what his name is. 

Me, in my head: never fuckingmind I have lived here for over a year with the dogs). And for a year I have asked her to to not feed the dogs people food because one of my dogs has horrible allergies. I have watched her feed them donuts and cake and as they are taking it out of her hand, she tells me I am a liar to accuse her of feeding them because she never feeds them. She basically says I am not seeing what I am seeing. I’ve never met a person who lies so intensely, so completely,  that they have lost all concept of reality themselves. Well, except for my ex. 

Me: his ears hurt because of the yeast infection due to eating bad foods. 

Mom: and who feeds him bad foods? Not me. Feed him better. 

Me: mom, I spend more money than I have to buy specialty dog food that is grain free. You give him bread and sweets all the time, which creates yeast and his skin is a mess, his ears are wretched. This is why I plead with you to stop feeding him. 

Mom: no I do not fed him. Why do you lie?

Me: maybe not yet today, but his reactions build with time and he can’t get better as long as you feed him people food. I spent $300 to get hm well and it won’t last because you won’t listen. 

Mom: I hate to see anything or anyone suffer. You need to do something about him. It’s cruel of you to let him suffer.  

Me: I just told you I have tried but you won’t respect what’s happening and stop feeding him people food. I can’t spend $300 every month to medicate him when you give him things that nullify the meds. 

(She now abruptly changes the subject)

Mom: I woke up from a bad dream. (Insert my ex’s name here) came here. He was in the house. I called 911 and then I woke up. 

Me: aside from coming to pick up the kids, he will never come here mom. 

Mom: why? Are you getting back together with him?

Me: are you crazy? Seriously, like crazy?! How do you derive that from what I said? I would kill myself before I got back together with hm. 

Mom: well I dreamt it. And I can not tell you what to do but if you get back together with him, you have to leave here and you can never come back. 

Me: well you’re crazy if you think every dream manifests itself into reality. I’ve dreamt I can fly. You see me soaring around in the sky yet? I also dream I live in a house where love and respect flow freely. You feel that here? 
Damn. It’s not even 6 am and all this happens. This is why I drink. It’s not even 6:30 am and I’m thinking about when I can have my first drink. 

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Divorce and Narcissism

We Got This

Just to be clear, I am over him. There truly is no part of me that longs to go back. Wants him back. I have no warm fuzzy feelings for him. I even think that much of the earlier memories I once thought were happy, have a different perspective. He was good. Very good. From the very beginning, he was smart and handsome and conniving and manipulative. And I saw none of it. I was so in love, with being in love and I wanted to be a mom and get married and all the things most young women dream of. But looking back on those moments, I see now how I was fooled. I see how I was gently manipulated into believing I was wrong or crazy or too sensitive. Every mean joke. Every lie he told. I believed him. And I’ve said it before, you can’t unsee certain things. You can’t unring a bell. I see who he really is and I want no part of a man who can only put himself first. A man who can spew the words “I love you” so easily, but mean no part of them. I am not angry with myself. Or even him. These days I pray for his soul, especially for the sake of my children.  And I say prayers of thanks that I was smart enough, even though it took many years, but I did it. I saw it. And a therapist told me it’s rare for a woman to see it while IN IT. I was in it and I saw. So yay me!! 

These days, I use what I saw,. Not to judge others or to compare in negative ways. I use what I went through to make me stronger. To let it define me, not that I am a victim, but that I am a survivor. 

Do I still have horrible days? Dark days? Sad days? Absolutely. But I’m human and I did suffer a tremendous amount of emotional, financial and even sexual abuse towards the end. But the bad days are getting fewer and when I’m in the midst of one, I’m learning new ways to cope. And those ways allow me to remain healthier and to come out of the downward spiral faster, and certainly before I hit the bottom. I am even able to help people around me. Ask me if I thought this would be possible a year or two ago and I would have probably gotten drunk and screamed. I’ve come so far. I am proud of myself. 

So for anyone reading this, if you might be where I was a few years ago , you will see the light. It will get better. I hated hearing those words but they are truth. Hold on. You got this. I got this. 

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Divorce and Narcissism

It’s Inappropriate!

I’ve stopped asking how? Why? What are they thinking?! My oldest daughter graduates HS this June. She called me last night to tell me that her father’s lover is planning her graduation party. At the marital home. Her kids will be attending. Oh. And I’m invited. 
I’m sorry, but am I the only one who thinks this is grossly inappropriate? That it’s my job to plan this? That the lover who helped tear my marriage apart has no business trying to step in and take over? The divorce isn’t even final yet. My name is still on the deed to the home. My children know who she is and what she did. And I’m “invited?” It’s just messed up in more ways than I can count. 
I’ve encouraged my daughter to speak to her father about her wants and needs. She stated she didn’t want a big party. She initially said this woman can attend her party, but her planning it was never part of the plan. 
Once again, I’ll try to support my children in the best and most loving way possible. If this party moves forward as its planned right now, I will attend if my daughter wants me to. Because my kids need at least one parent who can put their own needs aside for the greater good of the family. 
But I stand by the nicknames I have given my ex and his lover: he is fucktard and she is Crusty. Because this is my safe place to vent and swear and let it all out. I’m anonymous and free to speak my mind. They both fucking suck. 

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Fucktard

 

Let us call my soon-to-be-ex “Fucktard” for the purposeof keeping this nameless. It fits him better anyways.

I had a court ordered mediation today.

The best part of my day? It wasn’t being humiliated in front of Fucktard, his attny and the mediator while my attorney asked me when I was having the appraisal review done. I already had this done and messaged my attorney about it, last Thursday. I had to tell this to my attorney in front of everyone, showing just how poor the communication is between my attorney and I. It also was not when I had to ask my attorney in front of everyone if he received the medical and orthodontic bills I’ve paid, (he hesitated showing me and everyone he either couldn’t remember or he didn’t bother opening the email containing them that I sent weeks ago) showing where the combined withdrawals have gone as Fucktard sat there with bank statements telling them I’ve withdrawn near 10k since January, but didn’t say that was tax refund and gainsharing money, half mine that he told me to take. It wasn’t when I tried to explain this and was interrupted by Fucktard talking over me and my not being allowed to finish speaking. It was not even when I was left alone with Fucktard multiple times when I specifically wrote on my private form that I’m afraid of him and do not wish to be alone so mediation must be constantly supervised and attorneys must be present. I had to sit with Fucktard and the mediator and discuss how divide up assets that I clearly needed legal representation to decipher. My attorney and Fucktard’s were conferring in another room regarding spousal support which I’m
still not receiving. It was not being lectured by this new mediator about how we must get along for the kids and adhere to the parenting plan that he violated just this past weekend. It was not being told he should be able to fight for the he tv and computer that my mother bought me and the kids and if I want them, the court will likely make us sell them and I would get $100 because Fucktard researched their depreciated values and each were only valued at about $100. It wasn’t when I explained I’ve asked for nearly nothing out of that home and when I finally move out of my mother’s house, I have nearly nothing to furnish a new place with. I pointed out all he was keeping but I was told he lives there and there are emotions attached to belongings and he should have a say in what he wants and he will incur costs to replace any items I take. It wasn’t being forced to go to the bank with Fucktard afterwards to have him sign off of our joint checking and savings accounts and watching him obtain savings account statements from April 2015 to date and not having clue why. No. None of those. It was getting home to my mother yelling at me because she was supposed to drive my nephew to school and have the car but he drove himself and left her without a car. And that was my fault. And then she said I did not look like today went well and when I briefly explained, she reminded me just how terrible I am at picking men, attorneys included. And when I asked her to back off because I had just spent my day getting bullied and having her remind me how stupid I am was not helping, she got upset and ran off.

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Oh SNAP

And by SNAP, I mean government assistance with food, The Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program, also known as SNAP. I’ll be applying for that on Tuesday, as well as Medicaid. He has cancelled my credit card, moved funds and kept our joint checking account balance so low that I am unable to adequately feed myself and three kids who are here with me. If I take the little that’s left in our joint checking account, he will claim he doesn’t have enough to feed himself and our daughter who stayed there with him. I know that wouldn’t be true because he has access to all the funds he has shifted around plus he has two credit cards. But he is planning things in such a way that he can claim I’m creating a hardship for him and neglecting our daughter. And he says he is doing all of this under the advisement of his attorney. And before he is formally served the papers where I filed for a divorce. Those papers have been at the post office for a week now, awaiting his signature. He knows this yet he will not go get them. You see, in those papers are documents explaining we are both under a financial restraining order. He knows this so he is buying time to move funds and remove me from accounts/change passwords so he can claim he had no idea he was not supposed to do this. This is under advisement from his attorney. He told our daughter all of this. She informed me. How despicable is that? He is punishing his children because he is mad that I did not look the other way when his affair was discovered. I did not buy his fake apologies and he is mad that I continued to catch him in lies. He is mad that I did not jump up and down, happily clapping my hands while he continued to see this woman while claiming to want to stay married to me because he loved me. He is pissed off and behaving like a spoiled child. I’m not being punished. His children are. And when the Magistrate finds out that I am receiving government assistance to feed these children while he brings home 6 figures annually? Well. I don’t think the Magistrate will be jumping up and down and clapping his hands either. 

He keeps pushing me. But I won’t fall down. But maybe he will when he is served those papers by a Process Server, at his place of employment, in front of everyone he thinks holds him in such high regard. And maybe he will when he has to explain to the Magistrate why I’m receiving government assistance to feed our children while he travels, remodels rooms in our residence that I was forced out of, buys imported clothing and shoes and colognes, and eats out every chance he gets. But he makes our daughter who lives there pay for her own cell phone and bras.  And most especially, when he is asked how he can buy dinner and drinks for his girlfriend and use our joint checking account to fund his affair while I can’t afford to buy groceries for our children and am healing from a surgery, without help from him at all. Maybe he will fall down then. 

The anger I feel is healthy. A friend described it to me as just the fuel I need to make the right choices and see just what an evil person he is. 

Oh and one more thing. I discovered for over a year now, notices have been mailed to him regarding a safety recall on my automobile. Potentially deadly, if ignored. He threw out these notices, time after time and never once informed me of the recall. I happened to receive a phone call last month while I was there and looked in the bill cabinet and found a notice he had not thrown out yet. It is a free repair. I’ll be taking the auto in myself to have these repairs made. But really? His daughter drove this auto for over a year, I drive it daily, still do, and I’m teaching another child to drive with it right now. And we could die in a crash if the airbag is deployed. Who does that?! WHY does someone do that?! Because they are evil. That’s why. 

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