Divorce and Narcissism

We Got This

Just to be clear, I am over him. There truly is no part of me that longs to go back. Wants him back. I have no warm fuzzy feelings for him. I even think that much of the earlier memories I once thought were happy, have a different perspective. He was good. Very good. From the very beginning, he was smart and handsome and conniving and manipulative. And I saw none of it. I was so in love, with being in love and I wanted to be a mom and get married and all the things most young women dream of. But looking back on those moments, I see now how I was fooled. I see how I was gently manipulated into believing I was wrong or crazy or too sensitive. Every mean joke. Every lie he told. I believed him. And I’ve said it before, you can’t unsee certain things. You can’t unring a bell. I see who he really is and I want no part of a man who can only put himself first. A man who can spew the words “I love you” so easily, but mean no part of them. I am not angry with myself. Or even him. These days I pray for his soul, especially for the sake of my children.  And I say prayers of thanks that I was smart enough, even though it took many years, but I did it. I saw it. And a therapist told me it’s rare for a woman to see it while IN IT. I was in it and I saw. So yay me!! 

These days, I use what I saw,. Not to judge others or to compare in negative ways. I use what I went through to make me stronger. To let it define me, not that I am a victim, but that I am a survivor. 

Do I still have horrible days? Dark days? Sad days? Absolutely. But I’m human and I did suffer a tremendous amount of emotional, financial and even sexual abuse towards the end. But the bad days are getting fewer and when I’m in the midst of one, I’m learning new ways to cope. And those ways allow me to remain healthier and to come out of the downward spiral faster, and certainly before I hit the bottom. I am even able to help people around me. Ask me if I thought this would be possible a year or two ago and I would have probably gotten drunk and screamed. I’ve come so far. I am proud of myself. 

So for anyone reading this, if you might be where I was a few years ago , you will see the light. It will get better. I hated hearing those words but they are truth. Hold on. You got this. I got this. 

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Fucktard

 

Let us call my soon-to-be-ex “Fucktard” for the purposeof keeping this nameless. It fits him better anyways.

I had a court ordered mediation today.

The best part of my day? It wasn’t being humiliated in front of Fucktard, his attny and the mediator while my attorney asked me when I was having the appraisal review done. I already had this done and messaged my attorney about it, last Thursday. I had to tell this to my attorney in front of everyone, showing just how poor the communication is between my attorney and I. It also was not when I had to ask my attorney in front of everyone if he received the medical and orthodontic bills I’ve paid, (he hesitated showing me and everyone he either couldn’t remember or he didn’t bother opening the email containing them that I sent weeks ago) showing where the combined withdrawals have gone as Fucktard sat there with bank statements telling them I’ve withdrawn near 10k since January, but didn’t say that was tax refund and gainsharing money, half mine that he told me to take. It wasn’t when I tried to explain this and was interrupted by Fucktard talking over me and my not being allowed to finish speaking. It was not even when I was left alone with Fucktard multiple times when I specifically wrote on my private form that I’m afraid of him and do not wish to be alone so mediation must be constantly supervised and attorneys must be present. I had to sit with Fucktard and the mediator and discuss how divide up assets that I clearly needed legal representation to decipher. My attorney and Fucktard’s were conferring in another room regarding spousal support which I’m
still not receiving. It was not being lectured by this new mediator about how we must get along for the kids and adhere to the parenting plan that he violated just this past weekend. It was not being told he should be able to fight for the he tv and computer that my mother bought me and the kids and if I want them, the court will likely make us sell them and I would get $100 because Fucktard researched their depreciated values and each were only valued at about $100. It wasn’t when I explained I’ve asked for nearly nothing out of that home and when I finally move out of my mother’s house, I have nearly nothing to furnish a new place with. I pointed out all he was keeping but I was told he lives there and there are emotions attached to belongings and he should have a say in what he wants and he will incur costs to replace any items I take. It wasn’t being forced to go to the bank with Fucktard afterwards to have him sign off of our joint checking and savings accounts and watching him obtain savings account statements from April 2015 to date and not having clue why. No. None of those. It was getting home to my mother yelling at me because she was supposed to drive my nephew to school and have the car but he drove himself and left her without a car. And that was my fault. And then she said I did not look like today went well and when I briefly explained, she reminded me just how terrible I am at picking men, attorneys included. And when I asked her to back off because I had just spent my day getting bullied and having her remind me how stupid I am was not helping, she got upset and ran off.

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Co-Dependency? Rescuer-Syndrome? Stop the Madness!

So I’m still trying to navigate thru this ugly divorce. So much has happened since I have blogged last, I barely have the energy to write about it. My narcissist husband continues to shock me with his cruel ways, only he has no reason to hide them from me any longer as I serve no purpose to him in making him feel good about himself. He lies to our children on a regular basis. And I fear one of my children is eerily like him. Lying to get their way. Lying and exaggerating to make themself look like a victim, because being a victim gets you leniency when you misbehave. The divorce is not scheduled to be finalized for more than a month from now, yet I am not hopeful. He is making things really difficult. I am still on food assistance from the government while I await child support payments to begin. I believe his attorney has connections in the court system that are allowing immoral and unethical actions to take place. And it’s not paranoia. Yet it’s hard to prove. So I sit here and continue to be emotionally and financially abused while he flies to see his lover on a regular basis. While she flies to my home and meets my children. While she disrespects them and then they both claim it was only a home. And then he locks my kid out of the house because she voices her disdain. But I’m told this is not illegal behavior, only immoral.

I had met someone about three months ago and was reluctant to enter a relationship. But I did. And it felt wonderful to feel special and loved. It felt wonderful to feel desired and wanted. To be accepted for who I am, and to receive some support while I am going thru such an ugly time. You see, he was recently divorced and understands what a high conflict divorce feels like. I leaned on him while I let him pamper me. My kids loved him. I adored his daughter. It was like an instant family. There was a distance in our living arrangements but we made it work. Until…..

I discovered he has a gambling addiction. And he refuses to admit he has one. I tried to help him see the problem. I wanted to help him. Fix him. Under all the dysfunction, I believed there was a good man. And I believed I was worth it. I believed that my love would be enough to help him see he could have so much love and happiness without needing a crutch. I was wrong. And while I read and tried to understand what additions truly are, and how they affect a person’s life and way of thinking, I thought my love was strong enough to overcome this. I was wrong.

My brain understands that he is sick and needs help and it’s not a reflection of me or anything I am lacking, but my heart is broken. And it makes me feel worthless. And once again, it makes me feel as though I am not worth fighting for. And sadly, it makes me want to learn why I attract these men who have major issues? It’s like I’m wearing a giant red x on my chest, advertising that I’m a rescuer. A fool. And that I am forgiving and give chances. Chances that are abused and discarded, because I am not worth it.

And I sit here reading self-help books, hiding to do this, because the mother who created me and made me this way is nearby. Always watching. Always criticizing.

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Celebrating Love, Celebrating Freedom

Little things I did not realize I missed:
I have not had a television in my bedroom in nearly 20 years. It was not allowed before. “Bedrooms are for sleeping only.” I’m watching tv in my room right now. ☺️
While watching tv, I’m enjoying a small snack as I lay across my bed. It was not allowed before. “We do not sleep in the kitchen therefore we do not eat in the bedroom.” Potato chips might not have been the best choice, but these are the best chips I’ve enjoyed in nearly 20 years. I’m sure my dogs will catch any crumbs. ☺️
And lastly, my dogs are on the bed! They still look like they’re a little unsure when I call them up here and like they might be in trouble, but they’re relaxing more and more each day. ☺️
Tv, chips and dogs in bed. Happy Valentines Day to me!

Even with all this freedom, being away from the control and emotional and financial abuse I suffered with over these past 20+ years, even…..I’m still sad and lonely and depressed. And I’m pissed off and hurt that he gets to enjoy the company of two of our children during the Valentines Day weekend. And I’m alone. 

I’m not as tough as I project myself to be. 

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Oh SNAP

And by SNAP, I mean government assistance with food, The Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program, also known as SNAP. I’ll be applying for that on Tuesday, as well as Medicaid. He has cancelled my credit card, moved funds and kept our joint checking account balance so low that I am unable to adequately feed myself and three kids who are here with me. If I take the little that’s left in our joint checking account, he will claim he doesn’t have enough to feed himself and our daughter who stayed there with him. I know that wouldn’t be true because he has access to all the funds he has shifted around plus he has two credit cards. But he is planning things in such a way that he can claim I’m creating a hardship for him and neglecting our daughter. And he says he is doing all of this under the advisement of his attorney. And before he is formally served the papers where I filed for a divorce. Those papers have been at the post office for a week now, awaiting his signature. He knows this yet he will not go get them. You see, in those papers are documents explaining we are both under a financial restraining order. He knows this so he is buying time to move funds and remove me from accounts/change passwords so he can claim he had no idea he was not supposed to do this. This is under advisement from his attorney. He told our daughter all of this. She informed me. How despicable is that? He is punishing his children because he is mad that I did not look the other way when his affair was discovered. I did not buy his fake apologies and he is mad that I continued to catch him in lies. He is mad that I did not jump up and down, happily clapping my hands while he continued to see this woman while claiming to want to stay married to me because he loved me. He is pissed off and behaving like a spoiled child. I’m not being punished. His children are. And when the Magistrate finds out that I am receiving government assistance to feed these children while he brings home 6 figures annually? Well. I don’t think the Magistrate will be jumping up and down and clapping his hands either. 

He keeps pushing me. But I won’t fall down. But maybe he will when he is served those papers by a Process Server, at his place of employment, in front of everyone he thinks holds him in such high regard. And maybe he will when he has to explain to the Magistrate why I’m receiving government assistance to feed our children while he travels, remodels rooms in our residence that I was forced out of, buys imported clothing and shoes and colognes, and eats out every chance he gets. But he makes our daughter who lives there pay for her own cell phone and bras.  And most especially, when he is asked how he can buy dinner and drinks for his girlfriend and use our joint checking account to fund his affair while I can’t afford to buy groceries for our children and am healing from a surgery, without help from him at all. Maybe he will fall down then. 

The anger I feel is healthy. A friend described it to me as just the fuel I need to make the right choices and see just what an evil person he is. 

Oh and one more thing. I discovered for over a year now, notices have been mailed to him regarding a safety recall on my automobile. Potentially deadly, if ignored. He threw out these notices, time after time and never once informed me of the recall. I happened to receive a phone call last month while I was there and looked in the bill cabinet and found a notice he had not thrown out yet. It is a free repair. I’ll be taking the auto in myself to have these repairs made. But really? His daughter drove this auto for over a year, I drive it daily, still do, and I’m teaching another child to drive with it right now. And we could die in a crash if the airbag is deployed. Who does that?! WHY does someone do that?! Because they are evil. That’s why. 

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