Divorce and Narcissism

Safe Places & Bad Memories

There are so many details surrounding the time period leading up to and then during and after the discovery of my ex-husband’s final affair that I try to not think about. I try hard and I’ve actually made it to a point where I can get through days without thinking about it. That’s progress! I’m not thrilled with where I am in my life right now, the many changes and stresses that being a single mom has caused. My kids are wonderful, so it’s not that. It’s the financial burden and the changing everything we have known, for them for their whole lives and for me, for the past 20+ years. Change can be good, but for me it’s not, not while I’m undergoing the changes. I can’t see or feel what’s good about it. The good becomes apparent to me well after the fact. I am better off ending a marriage that was filled with deceit. I am better off being alone and lonely versus trapped in a marriage where I wasn’t alone, but I was lonely. I am better off being financially strapped rather than depending on a husband who abused me financially. (When I moved out, before I had secured a job, I was shopping for groceries with my kids and learned he shut down my credit card and transferred all our money, except for 80 cents, into a new private account, forcing me to need and be on government assistance. And forever burning into my mind and the minds of my kids, that memory of standing at the checkout with my kids and having to leave a cart full of food behind, embarrassed and humiliated). I am better off being insecure and anxious all the time, but learning to find my way out of that and building boundaries and seeing my self worth, rather than staying with a husband who berated, belittled and emotionally abused me in subtle ways that were not apparent at first. Narcissists do this. They break you down, slowly and steadily. You don’t realize what is happening at first because you were a good person before you met them, you maybe just had a few insecurities. Narcissists are skilled at honing in, like a laser beam, on those insecurities, and they lock onto the bullseye and use those insecurities to their advantage. By the time you see what they are doing, what they have done, the damage feels irreparable. What you’re left with, quite often, is the shell of the person you used to be. More insecure, more anxious, and afraid. You don’t feel seen or heard. You feel invisible and quite frankly, if you’re like me, you long for the days where you can fly under the radar because being invisible means being left alone. Why do I want to be left alone? Because while not every person who is rude or unkind or dishonest is a narcissist, the world is filled with people who see your insecurities and latch on to them. Who use you. Who are dishonest to you, to their spouses, to their bosses, even to their friends. And your distrust grows and grows and grows and the whole time it’s growing you have an internal dialog where you blame yourself and think you’re just paranoid. These narcissists stripped away your confidence and ability to make even the smallest decisions.

So I write all of this and then look back at the reason I started this blog entry. The memories that surround the abuse, the affair and the aftermath of my divorce from a narcissist…..

I have children with him. And every time they see him or talk to him, the memories come flooding back. This happens because they are damaged by what he did too. I can’t ask them to not share with me their interactions with their father. I can’t because they need a safe place. I’m that safe place. I sit here and I hear what they’re saying, because their father doesn’t listen. His lover doesn’t listen. I can’t afford to turn it off and feign listening. So I truly listen. They deserve that And in doing so, all those memories come flooding back to me. It’s hard, often, to not get upset or frustrated with my kids when they share how mad they are at this other woman but not their father. He was 1/2 the reason this final affair happened. I understand he is their father and they want him in their lives but it takes a toll on me. Pushing those memories away so I am not turned into a cold heartless monster, that much effort is exhausting. One of my kids told me she argued with the other woman over where I am in my life and that this other woman is to blame. I didn’t feel good about that. I didn’t because my kid doesn’t seem to have that same anger towards her father. I say I don’t want my kids to be angry with their father but maybe I really do? Maybe I want to feel like someone has my back? Like I have the same safe place I provide for so many people? But I say maybe because I don’t trust my emotions and thoughts most of the time. And saying I want them mad at their father seems cold and harsh. I don’t want to be cold and harsh. I just want to feel safe and be seen and heard. And I want to be mad and have someone tell me it’s ok to be mad and understand why I am mad, like I tell my kids. But I fear that I will hear, as I have countless times before, that I control my own happiness and I need to move on. I am trying and as I said way above, I have many days in a row where I feel good because I can look back and say I didn’t think about these as memories, until….bam! The kids bring it all back to me after visiting with their father. I’m out of that marriage, but I still feel trapped.

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Divorce and Narcissism

It’s Far From Being Done

Even though my divorce was finalized April 6, 2017, his influence and nasty behaviors still influence me and my kids. 

As suspected, his “hypothetical” move to Florida is becoming more of a “possibility,” as he tells the kids. They are crushed. I clean up the mess. He is mad that they are upset. I clean up the mess. 

Found razor blades in my daughter’s room today. Her sixteenth birthday. I was setting up a surprise for when she comes home from school and I found them. Several. So the fear that she is cutting is there. I need to deal with this mess. Scary. 

My oldest who still lives with this douchebag father? She is so depressed that she is ending her senior of year of high school by missing more and more classes and just not caring what happens. Her future plans for staying there and taking online college courses has changed because if he moves, she has no where to live. Another mess he is making. I clean up the mess. 

He tells my kids he deserves to be happy. His lover’s kids are younger and she can’t move here. So, dickhead? Explain again how that is NOT you choosing her and her kids over your own? He had the nerve to tell my oldest when she said he needs to start being a parent that I need to do the same because I am the one who ran out and abondoned the family. 

I do want him gone. I want him to disappear. Because even when he is here, he is absent. Absent emotionally. If he leaves, at least the kids and I can begin to build some sort of normal routine without him. While it tears at my heart that they want him to be a good father yet see he is incapable, the fact that they see it now might help save them a lifetime of begging for attention and love from someone who simply cannot give it. He is damaged and broken. My mother is this way. And I wish I had learned about her what they are learning about their father. If I had known sooner, it would have saved me much heartache. I never want my kids to choose a spouse like their father. He told me when I was leaving that I hurt him deeply by exclaiming I never wanted our daughters to marry a man even remotely close to what he was like. He stated he was a good man. He is deluded. And I stand by my wishes. 

I clean up the messes. 

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Divorce and Narcissism

Jinx! 

Jinx. If I didn’t believe it possible before, I sort of do now. It’s like every time I feel confident…every time I write about good things and focus on good things….keeping my head above water, so to speak, bam! Something happens to really pull me under. I have tried asking why. That does not help because I can find no answer. It only seems to make me feel worse. I am so very human. I make mistakes and have erred. But I keep coming back to “why.” I behave kindly, because I want to, it’s genuine. I’m generous in all the ways I can be. I love fiercely. I’m loyal. So why? Why are these things happening? 

Not two minutes after I posted what I did yesterday, I learned from my daughter that her father has mentioned when my oldest graduates in a few months, if he is offered a job in FL (we live in OH), there’s a real possibility he will take it and move. Now, knowing him for the last 23 years, I can say with certainty, he has already put this plan in motion but like always, he is lying and posing things as “a possibility.” I know he is planning this for sure. It explains all the added trips to FL. He has been interviewing within the company, I am sure of it. And letting the company pay for that part. Smart man? Dumb man? Both. And he asked if the kids want to go with him. His girlfriend lives there. So it begs the question: why? And how? How can this be possible? How can he do what he did and feel any justification for asking his children to move away? And live with the woman he lied and cheated with for years? I’ve said that I wished he would just move away but now that the possibility is here, I’m frozen with fear. Because the allure of sunny skies and beaches to three teens? And if they don’t move with him,  the thought of being forced by the courts to make them spend every summer, Christmas and spring break away from me? And I’d have to help fund these trips? It makes me feel like puking. I can’t openly vent to them because it’s not appropriate to tell a child you will feel like dying if they leave you. I will never guilt or manipulate my children into making the choice I want for them. 

 And yes, it’s confirmed this woman is planning my daughter’s graduation party. Complete with a theme she is choosing, no input from my daughter. Even my ex has stated this woman is going a little over the top. Ha? But again, I can’t wish for it to be a fiasco because my daughter will suffer. It is her special time and she deserves to feel special and be happy. But there is a small part of me that hopes my ex and his girlfriend have a huge fight about tthis and the fact that they are both idiots and selfish narcissists explodes in their faces. I said a long time ago that if they ended up together for good, they’d kill each other. Because an affair must be exciting and new. Keeping secrets and sneaking around? And it’s part time, with several states seperating them? If they lived together, the romance over whose turn it is to clean the toilet, clear the dinner dishes? Hell! Who is gonna cook? I am human so I try not to think like this but it’s hard. The thought of them realizing the two marriages and combined 6 children’s lives they’ve forever changed? I hope that happens. And they end up alone and lonely. 

So what’s a girl to do? Sit and wait. And wait. And see this is why he is stalling the divorce. Because if it finalizes now, he will need to go back to court and pay more money to revise the shared parenting plan that is currently written out. I can see through all of this. But legally, there is not a damn thing I can do. So I sit. I wait. I pray. He is making good on his promises to take everything away from me that I love, as punishment for not agreeing to stay married to his abusive ass, while he continued to have affairs and lie about money. 

I’m afraid to talk about a man I am seeing. He is wonderful and learning how to support me through this nightmare, one he can’t understand because it’s so foreign to him. And it’s impossible for me to explain because how can I when I barely understand it myself? I’m afraid to jinx things. So that’s all I’m going to say. 

I had my moment last night. I melted down. I sobbed and cried and asked why. And now I’m stronger. Now I’m praying that my kids will see what’s happening and make the choices that best benefit them. Not me. Not their father. But themselves. 

But fuck. Seriously?!  

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Divorce and Narcissism

We Got This

Just to be clear, I am over him. There truly is no part of me that longs to go back. Wants him back. I have no warm fuzzy feelings for him. I even think that much of the earlier memories I once thought were happy, have a different perspective. He was good. Very good. From the very beginning, he was smart and handsome and conniving and manipulative. And I saw none of it. I was so in love, with being in love and I wanted to be a mom and get married and all the things most young women dream of. But looking back on those moments, I see now how I was fooled. I see how I was gently manipulated into believing I was wrong or crazy or too sensitive. Every mean joke. Every lie he told. I believed him. And I’ve said it before, you can’t unsee certain things. You can’t unring a bell. I see who he really is and I want no part of a man who can only put himself first. A man who can spew the words “I love you” so easily, but mean no part of them. I am not angry with myself. Or even him. These days I pray for his soul, especially for the sake of my children.  And I say prayers of thanks that I was smart enough, even though it took many years, but I did it. I saw it. And a therapist told me it’s rare for a woman to see it while IN IT. I was in it and I saw. So yay me!! 

These days, I use what I saw,. Not to judge others or to compare in negative ways. I use what I went through to make me stronger. To let it define me, not that I am a victim, but that I am a survivor. 

Do I still have horrible days? Dark days? Sad days? Absolutely. But I’m human and I did suffer a tremendous amount of emotional, financial and even sexual abuse towards the end. But the bad days are getting fewer and when I’m in the midst of one, I’m learning new ways to cope. And those ways allow me to remain healthier and to come out of the downward spiral faster, and certainly before I hit the bottom. I am even able to help people around me. Ask me if I thought this would be possible a year or two ago and I would have probably gotten drunk and screamed. I’ve come so far. I am proud of myself. 

So for anyone reading this, if you might be where I was a few years ago , you will see the light. It will get better. I hated hearing those words but they are truth. Hold on. You got this. I got this. 

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Divorce and Narcissism

It’s Inappropriate!

I’ve stopped asking how? Why? What are they thinking?! My oldest daughter graduates HS this June. She called me last night to tell me that her father’s lover is planning her graduation party. At the marital home. Her kids will be attending. Oh. And I’m invited. 
I’m sorry, but am I the only one who thinks this is grossly inappropriate? That it’s my job to plan this? That the lover who helped tear my marriage apart has no business trying to step in and take over? The divorce isn’t even final yet. My name is still on the deed to the home. My children know who she is and what she did. And I’m “invited?” It’s just messed up in more ways than I can count. 
I’ve encouraged my daughter to speak to her father about her wants and needs. She stated she didn’t want a big party. She initially said this woman can attend her party, but her planning it was never part of the plan. 
Once again, I’ll try to support my children in the best and most loving way possible. If this party moves forward as its planned right now, I will attend if my daughter wants me to. Because my kids need at least one parent who can put their own needs aside for the greater good of the family. 
But I stand by the nicknames I have given my ex and his lover: he is fucktard and she is Crusty. Because this is my safe place to vent and swear and let it all out. I’m anonymous and free to speak my mind. They both fucking suck. 

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Uncategorized

Fucktard

 

Let us call my soon-to-be-ex “Fucktard” for the purposeof keeping this nameless. It fits him better anyways.

I had a court ordered mediation today.

The best part of my day? It wasn’t being humiliated in front of Fucktard, his attny and the mediator while my attorney asked me when I was having the appraisal review done. I already had this done and messaged my attorney about it, last Thursday. I had to tell this to my attorney in front of everyone, showing just how poor the communication is between my attorney and I. It also was not when I had to ask my attorney in front of everyone if he received the medical and orthodontic bills I’ve paid, (he hesitated showing me and everyone he either couldn’t remember or he didn’t bother opening the email containing them that I sent weeks ago) showing where the combined withdrawals have gone as Fucktard sat there with bank statements telling them I’ve withdrawn near 10k since January, but didn’t say that was tax refund and gainsharing money, half mine that he told me to take. It wasn’t when I tried to explain this and was interrupted by Fucktard talking over me and my not being allowed to finish speaking. It was not even when I was left alone with Fucktard multiple times when I specifically wrote on my private form that I’m afraid of him and do not wish to be alone so mediation must be constantly supervised and attorneys must be present. I had to sit with Fucktard and the mediator and discuss how divide up assets that I clearly needed legal representation to decipher. My attorney and Fucktard’s were conferring in another room regarding spousal support which I’m
still not receiving. It was not being lectured by this new mediator about how we must get along for the kids and adhere to the parenting plan that he violated just this past weekend. It was not being told he should be able to fight for the he tv and computer that my mother bought me and the kids and if I want them, the court will likely make us sell them and I would get $100 because Fucktard researched their depreciated values and each were only valued at about $100. It wasn’t when I explained I’ve asked for nearly nothing out of that home and when I finally move out of my mother’s house, I have nearly nothing to furnish a new place with. I pointed out all he was keeping but I was told he lives there and there are emotions attached to belongings and he should have a say in what he wants and he will incur costs to replace any items I take. It wasn’t being forced to go to the bank with Fucktard afterwards to have him sign off of our joint checking and savings accounts and watching him obtain savings account statements from April 2015 to date and not having clue why. No. None of those. It was getting home to my mother yelling at me because she was supposed to drive my nephew to school and have the car but he drove himself and left her without a car. And that was my fault. And then she said I did not look like today went well and when I briefly explained, she reminded me just how terrible I am at picking men, attorneys included. And when I asked her to back off because I had just spent my day getting bullied and having her remind me how stupid I am was not helping, she got upset and ran off.

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It’s Been Awhile

It’s been awhile since I’ve added a blog entry. I’ve been very busy. I’ve been stressed. But mostly I’ve been filled with anxiety and fear. I’m still have trouble wrapping my brain around how I could have been so in love with a man, for over 22 years, so charmed by him, and how I could have so completely trusted him….yet now I’m afraid of him. Now I see a side of him, a side that was always there, but I could not see due to being blinded by love. 

Since I’ve written last, there have been threats, more lies, I’ve moved and I’ve filed for a divorce. I can’t even remember all the lies and terrible things that have happened since I last blogged. All I know is I’m terrified of this man still called my husband. The fear comes from seeing him unravel. Seeing him tell lies so frequently and so easily that he is slipping. He is not remembering to whom he tells what and not realizing that his stories are transparent and ridiculous, and easily proven wrong. That’s why I’m afraid. Because the more often he is caught lying, the more he is punishing me. He is keeping our joint checking account at a dollar amount so low, I’m having trouble supporting myself and the three children who moved with me. He canceled only my credit card. When he sees our children, he tells them I am taking all the money and leaving him with barely any. They are getting older and understand quite a bit, but I’m not sure if they understand this lie. If that were true, how can he afford to take them out to breakfast, lunch and dinner for the entire weekend while they visit with him? How is he affording to repaint and redecorate the home I painstakingly decorated and took care of? How did he afford to pay an attorney behind my back and then try to talk me into a dissolution rather than a divorce? He continues to hide and shift monies around in an attempt to keep me from what I earned by being a good and faithful wife/mother a d friend for over 22 years. He actually told our son that when I pay for anything right now, it’s really HE that’s paying because it’s HIS money, but if it makes me feel better, we can all pretend I’m the one paying. 

My nerves are shot. I’m ruining my teeth from grinding them. I have a headache that had not gone away in over a month. I’ve lost weight. But I’m here. I’m here and I’m not backing down. 

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