Divorce and Narcissism

It’s Far From Being Done

Even though my divorce was finalized April 6, 2017, his influence and nasty behaviors still influence me and my kids. 

As suspected, his “hypothetical” move to Florida is becoming more of a “possibility,” as he tells the kids. They are crushed. I clean up the mess. He is mad that they are upset. I clean up the mess. 

Found razor blades in my daughter’s room today. Her sixteenth birthday. I was setting up a surprise for when she comes home from school and I found them. Several. So the fear that she is cutting is there. I need to deal with this mess. Scary. 

My oldest who still lives with this douchebag father? She is so depressed that she is ending her senior of year of high school by missing more and more classes and just not caring what happens. Her future plans for staying there and taking online college courses has changed because if he moves, she has no where to live. Another mess he is making. I clean up the mess. 

He tells my kids he deserves to be happy. His lover’s kids are younger and she can’t move here. So, dickhead? Explain again how that is NOT you choosing her and her kids over your own? He had the nerve to tell my oldest when she said he needs to start being a parent that I need to do the same because I am the one who ran out and abondoned the family. 

I do want him gone. I want him to disappear. Because even when he is here, he is absent. Absent emotionally. If he leaves, at least the kids and I can begin to build some sort of normal routine without him. While it tears at my heart that they want him to be a good father yet see he is incapable, the fact that they see it now might help save them a lifetime of begging for attention and love from someone who simply cannot give it. He is damaged and broken. My mother is this way. And I wish I had learned about her what they are learning about their father. If I had known sooner, it would have saved me much heartache. I never want my kids to choose a spouse like their father. He told me when I was leaving that I hurt him deeply by exclaiming I never wanted our daughters to marry a man even remotely close to what he was like. He stated he was a good man. He is deluded. And I stand by my wishes. 

I clean up the messes. 

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Divorce and Narcissism

My Mother Is Batshit Crazy

Mom: something is wrong with your dog, I do not know what his name is. 

Me, in my head: never fuckingmind I have lived here for over a year with the dogs). And for a year I have asked her to to not feed the dogs people food because one of my dogs has horrible allergies. I have watched her feed them donuts and cake and as they are taking it out of her hand, she tells me I am a liar to accuse her of feeding them because she never feeds them. She basically says I am not seeing what I am seeing. I’ve never met a person who lies so intensely, so completely,  that they have lost all concept of reality themselves. Well, except for my ex. 

Me: his ears hurt because of the yeast infection due to eating bad foods. 

Mom: and who feeds him bad foods? Not me. Feed him better. 

Me: mom, I spend more money than I have to buy specialty dog food that is grain free. You give him bread and sweets all the time, which creates yeast and his skin is a mess, his ears are wretched. This is why I plead with you to stop feeding him. 

Mom: no I do not fed him. Why do you lie?

Me: maybe not yet today, but his reactions build with time and he can’t get better as long as you feed him people food. I spent $300 to get hm well and it won’t last because you won’t listen. 

Mom: I hate to see anything or anyone suffer. You need to do something about him. It’s cruel of you to let him suffer.  

Me: I just told you I have tried but you won’t respect what’s happening and stop feeding him people food. I can’t spend $300 every month to medicate him when you give him things that nullify the meds. 

(She now abruptly changes the subject)

Mom: I woke up from a bad dream. (Insert my ex’s name here) came here. He was in the house. I called 911 and then I woke up. 

Me: aside from coming to pick up the kids, he will never come here mom. 

Mom: why? Are you getting back together with him?

Me: are you crazy? Seriously, like crazy?! How do you derive that from what I said? I would kill myself before I got back together with hm. 

Mom: well I dreamt it. And I can not tell you what to do but if you get back together with him, you have to leave here and you can never come back. 

Me: well you’re crazy if you think every dream manifests itself into reality. I’ve dreamt I can fly. You see me soaring around in the sky yet? I also dream I live in a house where love and respect flow freely. You feel that here? 
Damn. It’s not even 6 am and all this happens. This is why I drink. It’s not even 6:30 am and I’m thinking about when I can have my first drink. 

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Divorce and Narcissism

Jinx! 

Jinx. If I didn’t believe it possible before, I sort of do now. It’s like every time I feel confident…every time I write about good things and focus on good things….keeping my head above water, so to speak, bam! Something happens to really pull me under. I have tried asking why. That does not help because I can find no answer. It only seems to make me feel worse. I am so very human. I make mistakes and have erred. But I keep coming back to “why.” I behave kindly, because I want to, it’s genuine. I’m generous in all the ways I can be. I love fiercely. I’m loyal. So why? Why are these things happening? 

Not two minutes after I posted what I did yesterday, I learned from my daughter that her father has mentioned when my oldest graduates in a few months, if he is offered a job in FL (we live in OH), there’s a real possibility he will take it and move. Now, knowing him for the last 23 years, I can say with certainty, he has already put this plan in motion but like always, he is lying and posing things as “a possibility.” I know he is planning this for sure. It explains all the added trips to FL. He has been interviewing within the company, I am sure of it. And letting the company pay for that part. Smart man? Dumb man? Both. And he asked if the kids want to go with him. His girlfriend lives there. So it begs the question: why? And how? How can this be possible? How can he do what he did and feel any justification for asking his children to move away? And live with the woman he lied and cheated with for years? I’ve said that I wished he would just move away but now that the possibility is here, I’m frozen with fear. Because the allure of sunny skies and beaches to three teens? And if they don’t move with him,  the thought of being forced by the courts to make them spend every summer, Christmas and spring break away from me? And I’d have to help fund these trips? It makes me feel like puking. I can’t openly vent to them because it’s not appropriate to tell a child you will feel like dying if they leave you. I will never guilt or manipulate my children into making the choice I want for them. 

 And yes, it’s confirmed this woman is planning my daughter’s graduation party. Complete with a theme she is choosing, no input from my daughter. Even my ex has stated this woman is going a little over the top. Ha? But again, I can’t wish for it to be a fiasco because my daughter will suffer. It is her special time and she deserves to feel special and be happy. But there is a small part of me that hopes my ex and his girlfriend have a huge fight about tthis and the fact that they are both idiots and selfish narcissists explodes in their faces. I said a long time ago that if they ended up together for good, they’d kill each other. Because an affair must be exciting and new. Keeping secrets and sneaking around? And it’s part time, with several states seperating them? If they lived together, the romance over whose turn it is to clean the toilet, clear the dinner dishes? Hell! Who is gonna cook? I am human so I try not to think like this but it’s hard. The thought of them realizing the two marriages and combined 6 children’s lives they’ve forever changed? I hope that happens. And they end up alone and lonely. 

So what’s a girl to do? Sit and wait. And wait. And see this is why he is stalling the divorce. Because if it finalizes now, he will need to go back to court and pay more money to revise the shared parenting plan that is currently written out. I can see through all of this. But legally, there is not a damn thing I can do. So I sit. I wait. I pray. He is making good on his promises to take everything away from me that I love, as punishment for not agreeing to stay married to his abusive ass, while he continued to have affairs and lie about money. 

I’m afraid to talk about a man I am seeing. He is wonderful and learning how to support me through this nightmare, one he can’t understand because it’s so foreign to him. And it’s impossible for me to explain because how can I when I barely understand it myself? I’m afraid to jinx things. So that’s all I’m going to say. 

I had my moment last night. I melted down. I sobbed and cried and asked why. And now I’m stronger. Now I’m praying that my kids will see what’s happening and make the choices that best benefit them. Not me. Not their father. But themselves. 

But fuck. Seriously?!  

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Divorce and Narcissism

We Got This

Just to be clear, I am over him. There truly is no part of me that longs to go back. Wants him back. I have no warm fuzzy feelings for him. I even think that much of the earlier memories I once thought were happy, have a different perspective. He was good. Very good. From the very beginning, he was smart and handsome and conniving and manipulative. And I saw none of it. I was so in love, with being in love and I wanted to be a mom and get married and all the things most young women dream of. But looking back on those moments, I see now how I was fooled. I see how I was gently manipulated into believing I was wrong or crazy or too sensitive. Every mean joke. Every lie he told. I believed him. And I’ve said it before, you can’t unsee certain things. You can’t unring a bell. I see who he really is and I want no part of a man who can only put himself first. A man who can spew the words “I love you” so easily, but mean no part of them. I am not angry with myself. Or even him. These days I pray for his soul, especially for the sake of my children.  And I say prayers of thanks that I was smart enough, even though it took many years, but I did it. I saw it. And a therapist told me it’s rare for a woman to see it while IN IT. I was in it and I saw. So yay me!! 

These days, I use what I saw,. Not to judge others or to compare in negative ways. I use what I went through to make me stronger. To let it define me, not that I am a victim, but that I am a survivor. 

Do I still have horrible days? Dark days? Sad days? Absolutely. But I’m human and I did suffer a tremendous amount of emotional, financial and even sexual abuse towards the end. But the bad days are getting fewer and when I’m in the midst of one, I’m learning new ways to cope. And those ways allow me to remain healthier and to come out of the downward spiral faster, and certainly before I hit the bottom. I am even able to help people around me. Ask me if I thought this would be possible a year or two ago and I would have probably gotten drunk and screamed. I’ve come so far. I am proud of myself. 

So for anyone reading this, if you might be where I was a few years ago , you will see the light. It will get better. I hated hearing those words but they are truth. Hold on. You got this. I got this. 

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Fucktard

 

Let us call my soon-to-be-ex “Fucktard” for the purposeof keeping this nameless. It fits him better anyways.

I had a court ordered mediation today.

The best part of my day? It wasn’t being humiliated in front of Fucktard, his attny and the mediator while my attorney asked me when I was having the appraisal review done. I already had this done and messaged my attorney about it, last Thursday. I had to tell this to my attorney in front of everyone, showing just how poor the communication is between my attorney and I. It also was not when I had to ask my attorney in front of everyone if he received the medical and orthodontic bills I’ve paid, (he hesitated showing me and everyone he either couldn’t remember or he didn’t bother opening the email containing them that I sent weeks ago) showing where the combined withdrawals have gone as Fucktard sat there with bank statements telling them I’ve withdrawn near 10k since January, but didn’t say that was tax refund and gainsharing money, half mine that he told me to take. It wasn’t when I tried to explain this and was interrupted by Fucktard talking over me and my not being allowed to finish speaking. It was not even when I was left alone with Fucktard multiple times when I specifically wrote on my private form that I’m afraid of him and do not wish to be alone so mediation must be constantly supervised and attorneys must be present. I had to sit with Fucktard and the mediator and discuss how divide up assets that I clearly needed legal representation to decipher. My attorney and Fucktard’s were conferring in another room regarding spousal support which I’m
still not receiving. It was not being lectured by this new mediator about how we must get along for the kids and adhere to the parenting plan that he violated just this past weekend. It was not being told he should be able to fight for the he tv and computer that my mother bought me and the kids and if I want them, the court will likely make us sell them and I would get $100 because Fucktard researched their depreciated values and each were only valued at about $100. It wasn’t when I explained I’ve asked for nearly nothing out of that home and when I finally move out of my mother’s house, I have nearly nothing to furnish a new place with. I pointed out all he was keeping but I was told he lives there and there are emotions attached to belongings and he should have a say in what he wants and he will incur costs to replace any items I take. It wasn’t being forced to go to the bank with Fucktard afterwards to have him sign off of our joint checking and savings accounts and watching him obtain savings account statements from April 2015 to date and not having clue why. No. None of those. It was getting home to my mother yelling at me because she was supposed to drive my nephew to school and have the car but he drove himself and left her without a car. And that was my fault. And then she said I did not look like today went well and when I briefly explained, she reminded me just how terrible I am at picking men, attorneys included. And when I asked her to back off because I had just spent my day getting bullied and having her remind me how stupid I am was not helping, she got upset and ran off.

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Co-Dependency? Rescuer-Syndrome? Stop the Madness!

So I’m still trying to navigate thru this ugly divorce. So much has happened since I have blogged last, I barely have the energy to write about it. My narcissist husband continues to shock me with his cruel ways, only he has no reason to hide them from me any longer as I serve no purpose to him in making him feel good about himself. He lies to our children on a regular basis. And I fear one of my children is eerily like him. Lying to get their way. Lying and exaggerating to make themself look like a victim, because being a victim gets you leniency when you misbehave. The divorce is not scheduled to be finalized for more than a month from now, yet I am not hopeful. He is making things really difficult. I am still on food assistance from the government while I await child support payments to begin. I believe his attorney has connections in the court system that are allowing immoral and unethical actions to take place. And it’s not paranoia. Yet it’s hard to prove. So I sit here and continue to be emotionally and financially abused while he flies to see his lover on a regular basis. While she flies to my home and meets my children. While she disrespects them and then they both claim it was only a home. And then he locks my kid out of the house because she voices her disdain. But I’m told this is not illegal behavior, only immoral.

I had met someone about three months ago and was reluctant to enter a relationship. But I did. And it felt wonderful to feel special and loved. It felt wonderful to feel desired and wanted. To be accepted for who I am, and to receive some support while I am going thru such an ugly time. You see, he was recently divorced and understands what a high conflict divorce feels like. I leaned on him while I let him pamper me. My kids loved him. I adored his daughter. It was like an instant family. There was a distance in our living arrangements but we made it work. Until…..

I discovered he has a gambling addiction. And he refuses to admit he has one. I tried to help him see the problem. I wanted to help him. Fix him. Under all the dysfunction, I believed there was a good man. And I believed I was worth it. I believed that my love would be enough to help him see he could have so much love and happiness without needing a crutch. I was wrong. And while I read and tried to understand what additions truly are, and how they affect a person’s life and way of thinking, I thought my love was strong enough to overcome this. I was wrong.

My brain understands that he is sick and needs help and it’s not a reflection of me or anything I am lacking, but my heart is broken. And it makes me feel worthless. And once again, it makes me feel as though I am not worth fighting for. And sadly, it makes me want to learn why I attract these men who have major issues? It’s like I’m wearing a giant red x on my chest, advertising that I’m a rescuer. A fool. And that I am forgiving and give chances. Chances that are abused and discarded, because I am not worth it.

And I sit here reading self-help books, hiding to do this, because the mother who created me and made me this way is nearby. Always watching. Always criticizing.

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Celebrating Love, Celebrating Freedom

Little things I did not realize I missed:
I have not had a television in my bedroom in nearly 20 years. It was not allowed before. “Bedrooms are for sleeping only.” I’m watching tv in my room right now. ☺️
While watching tv, I’m enjoying a small snack as I lay across my bed. It was not allowed before. “We do not sleep in the kitchen therefore we do not eat in the bedroom.” Potato chips might not have been the best choice, but these are the best chips I’ve enjoyed in nearly 20 years. I’m sure my dogs will catch any crumbs. ☺️
And lastly, my dogs are on the bed! They still look like they’re a little unsure when I call them up here and like they might be in trouble, but they’re relaxing more and more each day. ☺️
Tv, chips and dogs in bed. Happy Valentines Day to me!

Even with all this freedom, being away from the control and emotional and financial abuse I suffered with over these past 20+ years, even…..I’m still sad and lonely and depressed. And I’m pissed off and hurt that he gets to enjoy the company of two of our children during the Valentines Day weekend. And I’m alone. 

I’m not as tough as I project myself to be. 

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