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Holiday Season 2016

There is no Christmas carol for a woman my age, who has experienced what I have in my adult lifetime. One that reflects the feelings and thoughts evoked by what her life has boiled down to. Blessed with children and some family and great friends. But I’m homeless in a way. I’m alone. I have someone I could share this holiday season with as a significant other, but I’m not. He has a family and traditions that have not included me or my children for 45 years. I have traditions I’ve followed for the past 23 years, but I can not follow them any longer. I’m fighting to smile. Fighting to move on. And yet. Yet. These Christmas songs I hear pull me back to happier times. Ornaments and decor. People laughing. And of all the people in the entire world that I want to talk to about these feelings I’m feeling right now? The sadness and the loneliness and the uncertainty? It’s him. The one who did this to my life and the lives of my children. And I’m angry about that. He is vacationing with the woman who helped him destroy my marriage. Meeting her family. Soaking up the sun in NC. He does not have to look into the eyes of our children. He won’t be cooking or decorating. I’m here where it’s cold and raining. I’m here trying to help my kids feel good. I’m having a bad tIme of it right now. And there is no one I can vent to because I’m sick of my own voice, how can I expect them to want to hear it? All in all, I DO have a lot to be thankful for. So I’ll fight my fears and uncertainty and focus on that. I WILL move on. Somehow. But I will. 

Happy Thanksgiving. Happy start to the 2016 holiday season.  Damaged or not, my heart still holds love. I hold love. I’ll never give up. 

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Fucktard

 

Let us call my soon-to-be-ex “Fucktard” for the purposeof keeping this nameless. It fits him better anyways.

I had a court ordered mediation today.

The best part of my day? It wasn’t being humiliated in front of Fucktard, his attny and the mediator while my attorney asked me when I was having the appraisal review done. I already had this done and messaged my attorney about it, last Thursday. I had to tell this to my attorney in front of everyone, showing just how poor the communication is between my attorney and I. It also was not when I had to ask my attorney in front of everyone if he received the medical and orthodontic bills I’ve paid, (he hesitated showing me and everyone he either couldn’t remember or he didn’t bother opening the email containing them that I sent weeks ago) showing where the combined withdrawals have gone as Fucktard sat there with bank statements telling them I’ve withdrawn near 10k since January, but didn’t say that was tax refund and gainsharing money, half mine that he told me to take. It wasn’t when I tried to explain this and was interrupted by Fucktard talking over me and my not being allowed to finish speaking. It was not even when I was left alone with Fucktard multiple times when I specifically wrote on my private form that I’m afraid of him and do not wish to be alone so mediation must be constantly supervised and attorneys must be present. I had to sit with Fucktard and the mediator and discuss how divide up assets that I clearly needed legal representation to decipher. My attorney and Fucktard’s were conferring in another room regarding spousal support which I’m
still not receiving. It was not being lectured by this new mediator about how we must get along for the kids and adhere to the parenting plan that he violated just this past weekend. It was not being told he should be able to fight for the he tv and computer that my mother bought me and the kids and if I want them, the court will likely make us sell them and I would get $100 because Fucktard researched their depreciated values and each were only valued at about $100. It wasn’t when I explained I’ve asked for nearly nothing out of that home and when I finally move out of my mother’s house, I have nearly nothing to furnish a new place with. I pointed out all he was keeping but I was told he lives there and there are emotions attached to belongings and he should have a say in what he wants and he will incur costs to replace any items I take. It wasn’t being forced to go to the bank with Fucktard afterwards to have him sign off of our joint checking and savings accounts and watching him obtain savings account statements from April 2015 to date and not having clue why. No. None of those. It was getting home to my mother yelling at me because she was supposed to drive my nephew to school and have the car but he drove himself and left her without a car. And that was my fault. And then she said I did not look like today went well and when I briefly explained, she reminded me just how terrible I am at picking men, attorneys included. And when I asked her to back off because I had just spent my day getting bullied and having her remind me how stupid I am was not helping, she got upset and ran off.

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Co-Dependency? Rescuer-Syndrome? Stop the Madness!

So I’m still trying to navigate thru this ugly divorce. So much has happened since I have blogged last, I barely have the energy to write about it. My narcissist husband continues to shock me with his cruel ways, only he has no reason to hide them from me any longer as I serve no purpose to him in making him feel good about himself. He lies to our children on a regular basis. And I fear one of my children is eerily like him. Lying to get their way. Lying and exaggerating to make themself look like a victim, because being a victim gets you leniency when you misbehave. The divorce is not scheduled to be finalized for more than a month from now, yet I am not hopeful. He is making things really difficult. I am still on food assistance from the government while I await child support payments to begin. I believe his attorney has connections in the court system that are allowing immoral and unethical actions to take place. And it’s not paranoia. Yet it’s hard to prove. So I sit here and continue to be emotionally and financially abused while he flies to see his lover on a regular basis. While she flies to my home and meets my children. While she disrespects them and then they both claim it was only a home. And then he locks my kid out of the house because she voices her disdain. But I’m told this is not illegal behavior, only immoral.

I had met someone about three months ago and was reluctant to enter a relationship. But I did. And it felt wonderful to feel special and loved. It felt wonderful to feel desired and wanted. To be accepted for who I am, and to receive some support while I am going thru such an ugly time. You see, he was recently divorced and understands what a high conflict divorce feels like. I leaned on him while I let him pamper me. My kids loved him. I adored his daughter. It was like an instant family. There was a distance in our living arrangements but we made it work. Until…..

I discovered he has a gambling addiction. And he refuses to admit he has one. I tried to help him see the problem. I wanted to help him. Fix him. Under all the dysfunction, I believed there was a good man. And I believed I was worth it. I believed that my love would be enough to help him see he could have so much love and happiness without needing a crutch. I was wrong. And while I read and tried to understand what additions truly are, and how they affect a person’s life and way of thinking, I thought my love was strong enough to overcome this. I was wrong.

My brain understands that he is sick and needs help and it’s not a reflection of me or anything I am lacking, but my heart is broken. And it makes me feel worthless. And once again, it makes me feel as though I am not worth fighting for. And sadly, it makes me want to learn why I attract these men who have major issues? It’s like I’m wearing a giant red x on my chest, advertising that I’m a rescuer. A fool. And that I am forgiving and give chances. Chances that are abused and discarded, because I am not worth it.

And I sit here reading self-help books, hiding to do this, because the mother who created me and made me this way is nearby. Always watching. Always criticizing.

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Well, That’s Grand

I have not written here for quite some time. I have been busy with the work program I am required to participate in in order to receive my government food and cash assistance benefits. And I have also been filled with so much anger and frustration that I find it hard to do much else when I do have a few free minute. I obsess. I panic. The wonderful part is when these panic attacks take over so much of me that I literally think I am having a heart attack or that I will just cease breathing right there on the spot. I need meds but I am afraid that he will use that in court and say I am not stable enough to have and raise the kids. I truly believe I am suffering from PTSD.

He has filed for custody of the kids, claiming I am abusive. He counter-filed for divorce claiming I was an awful wife…. I believe the legal jargon used was “gross neglect of duties…” Know what is gross? His dumb ass and that fact that I am weak.

I have lost friends over this . I have ruined relationships.

My daughters have allowed themselves to be manipulated by him, despite my warnings. These warnings are difficult to offer because I try hard to not speak ill of their father to them.. How can I do this?  I just try not to speak at all about him.  One day they are mad and hate him, the next day they love their lives and want to live with him.

I am a mess.

Oh, and he bought his lover a ring and my son found it. Do you think he admitted to this or accused my son of lying and diverted the conversation to him being a victim?  I will let you decide. He is lonely.  Poor thing. Lonely? Lonely is being surrounded by people but not being heard. Lonely is telling the truth and being real, putting yourself out there, yet losing friends. Lonely is being me. Lonely is having guys shower yo u with attention but as soon as you tell them you are not interested in a purely sexual relationship, they dump you as a friend.

I really have no idea what I am supposed to do.  But I am tired of hearing how strong I am. If people took the time to see me, really look at me, they would see  I am not, in fact, fine.

Friends, married males, think it is fine to speak to me in disgusting sexual ways. The non-married ones must think I am so desperate that it is ok to speak to me like I am a two cent whore.  People where I spend my “work” time to earn this cash assistance? Same. I am held to a different set of standards than so many people around me.

I do not know how much more I can take.  But I at least need to hang on until May 19th when I go to court.

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Celebrating Love, Celebrating Freedom

Little things I did not realize I missed:
I have not had a television in my bedroom in nearly 20 years. It was not allowed before. “Bedrooms are for sleeping only.” I’m watching tv in my room right now. ☺️
While watching tv, I’m enjoying a small snack as I lay across my bed. It was not allowed before. “We do not sleep in the kitchen therefore we do not eat in the bedroom.” Potato chips might not have been the best choice, but these are the best chips I’ve enjoyed in nearly 20 years. I’m sure my dogs will catch any crumbs. ☺️
And lastly, my dogs are on the bed! They still look like they’re a little unsure when I call them up here and like they might be in trouble, but they’re relaxing more and more each day. ☺️
Tv, chips and dogs in bed. Happy Valentines Day to me!

Even with all this freedom, being away from the control and emotional and financial abuse I suffered with over these past 20+ years, even…..I’m still sad and lonely and depressed. And I’m pissed off and hurt that he gets to enjoy the company of two of our children during the Valentines Day weekend. And I’m alone. 

I’m not as tough as I project myself to be. 

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Oh SNAP

And by SNAP, I mean government assistance with food, The Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program, also known as SNAP. I’ll be applying for that on Tuesday, as well as Medicaid. He has cancelled my credit card, moved funds and kept our joint checking account balance so low that I am unable to adequately feed myself and three kids who are here with me. If I take the little that’s left in our joint checking account, he will claim he doesn’t have enough to feed himself and our daughter who stayed there with him. I know that wouldn’t be true because he has access to all the funds he has shifted around plus he has two credit cards. But he is planning things in such a way that he can claim I’m creating a hardship for him and neglecting our daughter. And he says he is doing all of this under the advisement of his attorney. And before he is formally served the papers where I filed for a divorce. Those papers have been at the post office for a week now, awaiting his signature. He knows this yet he will not go get them. You see, in those papers are documents explaining we are both under a financial restraining order. He knows this so he is buying time to move funds and remove me from accounts/change passwords so he can claim he had no idea he was not supposed to do this. This is under advisement from his attorney. He told our daughter all of this. She informed me. How despicable is that? He is punishing his children because he is mad that I did not look the other way when his affair was discovered. I did not buy his fake apologies and he is mad that I continued to catch him in lies. He is mad that I did not jump up and down, happily clapping my hands while he continued to see this woman while claiming to want to stay married to me because he loved me. He is pissed off and behaving like a spoiled child. I’m not being punished. His children are. And when the Magistrate finds out that I am receiving government assistance to feed these children while he brings home 6 figures annually? Well. I don’t think the Magistrate will be jumping up and down and clapping his hands either. 

He keeps pushing me. But I won’t fall down. But maybe he will when he is served those papers by a Process Server, at his place of employment, in front of everyone he thinks holds him in such high regard. And maybe he will when he has to explain to the Magistrate why I’m receiving government assistance to feed our children while he travels, remodels rooms in our residence that I was forced out of, buys imported clothing and shoes and colognes, and eats out every chance he gets. But he makes our daughter who lives there pay for her own cell phone and bras.  And most especially, when he is asked how he can buy dinner and drinks for his girlfriend and use our joint checking account to fund his affair while I can’t afford to buy groceries for our children and am healing from a surgery, without help from him at all. Maybe he will fall down then. 

The anger I feel is healthy. A friend described it to me as just the fuel I need to make the right choices and see just what an evil person he is. 

Oh and one more thing. I discovered for over a year now, notices have been mailed to him regarding a safety recall on my automobile. Potentially deadly, if ignored. He threw out these notices, time after time and never once informed me of the recall. I happened to receive a phone call last month while I was there and looked in the bill cabinet and found a notice he had not thrown out yet. It is a free repair. I’ll be taking the auto in myself to have these repairs made. But really? His daughter drove this auto for over a year, I drive it daily, still do, and I’m teaching another child to drive with it right now. And we could die in a crash if the airbag is deployed. Who does that?! WHY does someone do that?! Because they are evil. That’s why. 

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It’s Been Awhile

It’s been awhile since I’ve added a blog entry. I’ve been very busy. I’ve been stressed. But mostly I’ve been filled with anxiety and fear. I’m still have trouble wrapping my brain around how I could have been so in love with a man, for over 22 years, so charmed by him, and how I could have so completely trusted him….yet now I’m afraid of him. Now I see a side of him, a side that was always there, but I could not see due to being blinded by love. 

Since I’ve written last, there have been threats, more lies, I’ve moved and I’ve filed for a divorce. I can’t even remember all the lies and terrible things that have happened since I last blogged. All I know is I’m terrified of this man still called my husband. The fear comes from seeing him unravel. Seeing him tell lies so frequently and so easily that he is slipping. He is not remembering to whom he tells what and not realizing that his stories are transparent and ridiculous, and easily proven wrong. That’s why I’m afraid. Because the more often he is caught lying, the more he is punishing me. He is keeping our joint checking account at a dollar amount so low, I’m having trouble supporting myself and the three children who moved with me. He canceled only my credit card. When he sees our children, he tells them I am taking all the money and leaving him with barely any. They are getting older and understand quite a bit, but I’m not sure if they understand this lie. If that were true, how can he afford to take them out to breakfast, lunch and dinner for the entire weekend while they visit with him? How is he affording to repaint and redecorate the home I painstakingly decorated and took care of? How did he afford to pay an attorney behind my back and then try to talk me into a dissolution rather than a divorce? He continues to hide and shift monies around in an attempt to keep me from what I earned by being a good and faithful wife/mother a d friend for over 22 years. He actually told our son that when I pay for anything right now, it’s really HE that’s paying because it’s HIS money, but if it makes me feel better, we can all pretend I’m the one paying. 

My nerves are shot. I’m ruining my teeth from grinding them. I have a headache that had not gone away in over a month. I’ve lost weight. But I’m here. I’m here and I’m not backing down. 

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