Divorce and Narcissism

It’s Far From Being Done

Even though my divorce was finalized April 6, 2017, his influence and nasty behaviors still influence me and my kids. 

As suspected, his “hypothetical” move to Florida is becoming more of a “possibility,” as he tells the kids. They are crushed. I clean up the mess. He is mad that they are upset. I clean up the mess. 

Found razor blades in my daughter’s room today. Her sixteenth birthday. I was setting up a surprise for when she comes home from school and I found them. Several. So the fear that she is cutting is there. I need to deal with this mess. Scary. 

My oldest who still lives with this douchebag father? She is so depressed that she is ending her senior of year of high school by missing more and more classes and just not caring what happens. Her future plans for staying there and taking online college courses has changed because if he moves, she has no where to live. Another mess he is making. I clean up the mess. 

He tells my kids he deserves to be happy. His lover’s kids are younger and she can’t move here. So, dickhead? Explain again how that is NOT you choosing her and her kids over your own? He had the nerve to tell my oldest when she said he needs to start being a parent that I need to do the same because I am the one who ran out and abondoned the family. 

I do want him gone. I want him to disappear. Because even when he is here, he is absent. Absent emotionally. If he leaves, at least the kids and I can begin to build some sort of normal routine without him. While it tears at my heart that they want him to be a good father yet see he is incapable, the fact that they see it now might help save them a lifetime of begging for attention and love from someone who simply cannot give it. He is damaged and broken. My mother is this way. And I wish I had learned about her what they are learning about their father. If I had known sooner, it would have saved me much heartache. I never want my kids to choose a spouse like their father. He told me when I was leaving that I hurt him deeply by exclaiming I never wanted our daughters to marry a man even remotely close to what he was like. He stated he was a good man. He is deluded. And I stand by my wishes. 

I clean up the messes. 

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Divorce and Narcissism

My Mother Is Batshit Crazy

Mom: something is wrong with your dog, I do not know what his name is. 

Me, in my head: never fuckingmind I have lived here for over a year with the dogs). And for a year I have asked her to to not feed the dogs people food because one of my dogs has horrible allergies. I have watched her feed them donuts and cake and as they are taking it out of her hand, she tells me I am a liar to accuse her of feeding them because she never feeds them. She basically says I am not seeing what I am seeing. I’ve never met a person who lies so intensely, so completely,  that they have lost all concept of reality themselves. Well, except for my ex. 

Me: his ears hurt because of the yeast infection due to eating bad foods. 

Mom: and who feeds him bad foods? Not me. Feed him better. 

Me: mom, I spend more money than I have to buy specialty dog food that is grain free. You give him bread and sweets all the time, which creates yeast and his skin is a mess, his ears are wretched. This is why I plead with you to stop feeding him. 

Mom: no I do not fed him. Why do you lie?

Me: maybe not yet today, but his reactions build with time and he can’t get better as long as you feed him people food. I spent $300 to get hm well and it won’t last because you won’t listen. 

Mom: I hate to see anything or anyone suffer. You need to do something about him. It’s cruel of you to let him suffer.  

Me: I just told you I have tried but you won’t respect what’s happening and stop feeding him people food. I can’t spend $300 every month to medicate him when you give him things that nullify the meds. 

(She now abruptly changes the subject)

Mom: I woke up from a bad dream. (Insert my ex’s name here) came here. He was in the house. I called 911 and then I woke up. 

Me: aside from coming to pick up the kids, he will never come here mom. 

Mom: why? Are you getting back together with him?

Me: are you crazy? Seriously, like crazy?! How do you derive that from what I said? I would kill myself before I got back together with hm. 

Mom: well I dreamt it. And I can not tell you what to do but if you get back together with him, you have to leave here and you can never come back. 

Me: well you’re crazy if you think every dream manifests itself into reality. I’ve dreamt I can fly. You see me soaring around in the sky yet? I also dream I live in a house where love and respect flow freely. You feel that here? 
Damn. It’s not even 6 am and all this happens. This is why I drink. It’s not even 6:30 am and I’m thinking about when I can have my first drink. 

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Divorce and Narcissism

Jinx! 

Jinx. If I didn’t believe it possible before, I sort of do now. It’s like every time I feel confident…every time I write about good things and focus on good things….keeping my head above water, so to speak, bam! Something happens to really pull me under. I have tried asking why. That does not help because I can find no answer. It only seems to make me feel worse. I am so very human. I make mistakes and have erred. But I keep coming back to “why.” I behave kindly, because I want to, it’s genuine. I’m generous in all the ways I can be. I love fiercely. I’m loyal. So why? Why are these things happening? 

Not two minutes after I posted what I did yesterday, I learned from my daughter that her father has mentioned when my oldest graduates in a few months, if he is offered a job in FL (we live in OH), there’s a real possibility he will take it and move. Now, knowing him for the last 23 years, I can say with certainty, he has already put this plan in motion but like always, he is lying and posing things as “a possibility.” I know he is planning this for sure. It explains all the added trips to FL. He has been interviewing within the company, I am sure of it. And letting the company pay for that part. Smart man? Dumb man? Both. And he asked if the kids want to go with him. His girlfriend lives there. So it begs the question: why? And how? How can this be possible? How can he do what he did and feel any justification for asking his children to move away? And live with the woman he lied and cheated with for years? I’ve said that I wished he would just move away but now that the possibility is here, I’m frozen with fear. Because the allure of sunny skies and beaches to three teens? And if they don’t move with him,  the thought of being forced by the courts to make them spend every summer, Christmas and spring break away from me? And I’d have to help fund these trips? It makes me feel like puking. I can’t openly vent to them because it’s not appropriate to tell a child you will feel like dying if they leave you. I will never guilt or manipulate my children into making the choice I want for them. 

 And yes, it’s confirmed this woman is planning my daughter’s graduation party. Complete with a theme she is choosing, no input from my daughter. Even my ex has stated this woman is going a little over the top. Ha? But again, I can’t wish for it to be a fiasco because my daughter will suffer. It is her special time and she deserves to feel special and be happy. But there is a small part of me that hopes my ex and his girlfriend have a huge fight about tthis and the fact that they are both idiots and selfish narcissists explodes in their faces. I said a long time ago that if they ended up together for good, they’d kill each other. Because an affair must be exciting and new. Keeping secrets and sneaking around? And it’s part time, with several states seperating them? If they lived together, the romance over whose turn it is to clean the toilet, clear the dinner dishes? Hell! Who is gonna cook? I am human so I try not to think like this but it’s hard. The thought of them realizing the two marriages and combined 6 children’s lives they’ve forever changed? I hope that happens. And they end up alone and lonely. 

So what’s a girl to do? Sit and wait. And wait. And see this is why he is stalling the divorce. Because if it finalizes now, he will need to go back to court and pay more money to revise the shared parenting plan that is currently written out. I can see through all of this. But legally, there is not a damn thing I can do. So I sit. I wait. I pray. He is making good on his promises to take everything away from me that I love, as punishment for not agreeing to stay married to his abusive ass, while he continued to have affairs and lie about money. 

I’m afraid to talk about a man I am seeing. He is wonderful and learning how to support me through this nightmare, one he can’t understand because it’s so foreign to him. And it’s impossible for me to explain because how can I when I barely understand it myself? I’m afraid to jinx things. So that’s all I’m going to say. 

I had my moment last night. I melted down. I sobbed and cried and asked why. And now I’m stronger. Now I’m praying that my kids will see what’s happening and make the choices that best benefit them. Not me. Not their father. But themselves. 

But fuck. Seriously?!  

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Divorce and Narcissism

We Got This

Just to be clear, I am over him. There truly is no part of me that longs to go back. Wants him back. I have no warm fuzzy feelings for him. I even think that much of the earlier memories I once thought were happy, have a different perspective. He was good. Very good. From the very beginning, he was smart and handsome and conniving and manipulative. And I saw none of it. I was so in love, with being in love and I wanted to be a mom and get married and all the things most young women dream of. But looking back on those moments, I see now how I was fooled. I see how I was gently manipulated into believing I was wrong or crazy or too sensitive. Every mean joke. Every lie he told. I believed him. And I’ve said it before, you can’t unsee certain things. You can’t unring a bell. I see who he really is and I want no part of a man who can only put himself first. A man who can spew the words “I love you” so easily, but mean no part of them. I am not angry with myself. Or even him. These days I pray for his soul, especially for the sake of my children.  And I say prayers of thanks that I was smart enough, even though it took many years, but I did it. I saw it. And a therapist told me it’s rare for a woman to see it while IN IT. I was in it and I saw. So yay me!! 

These days, I use what I saw,. Not to judge others or to compare in negative ways. I use what I went through to make me stronger. To let it define me, not that I am a victim, but that I am a survivor. 

Do I still have horrible days? Dark days? Sad days? Absolutely. But I’m human and I did suffer a tremendous amount of emotional, financial and even sexual abuse towards the end. But the bad days are getting fewer and when I’m in the midst of one, I’m learning new ways to cope. And those ways allow me to remain healthier and to come out of the downward spiral faster, and certainly before I hit the bottom. I am even able to help people around me. Ask me if I thought this would be possible a year or two ago and I would have probably gotten drunk and screamed. I’ve come so far. I am proud of myself. 

So for anyone reading this, if you might be where I was a few years ago , you will see the light. It will get better. I hated hearing those words but they are truth. Hold on. You got this. I got this. 

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Divorce and Narcissism

It’s Inappropriate!

I’ve stopped asking how? Why? What are they thinking?! My oldest daughter graduates HS this June. She called me last night to tell me that her father’s lover is planning her graduation party. At the marital home. Her kids will be attending. Oh. And I’m invited. 
I’m sorry, but am I the only one who thinks this is grossly inappropriate? That it’s my job to plan this? That the lover who helped tear my marriage apart has no business trying to step in and take over? The divorce isn’t even final yet. My name is still on the deed to the home. My children know who she is and what she did. And I’m “invited?” It’s just messed up in more ways than I can count. 
I’ve encouraged my daughter to speak to her father about her wants and needs. She stated she didn’t want a big party. She initially said this woman can attend her party, but her planning it was never part of the plan. 
Once again, I’ll try to support my children in the best and most loving way possible. If this party moves forward as its planned right now, I will attend if my daughter wants me to. Because my kids need at least one parent who can put their own needs aside for the greater good of the family. 
But I stand by the nicknames I have given my ex and his lover: he is fucktard and she is Crusty. Because this is my safe place to vent and swear and let it all out. I’m anonymous and free to speak my mind. They both fucking suck. 

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Divorce and Narcissism

When The Thoughts Creep In…

Backslide? There is nothing worse than trying so hard. So very very hard, to move on and to heal, and then have people in your life who pull you backward. So far backward, you nearly feel worse off than you were at the very beginning of your leap towards getting well. It’s like going in for a follow up doctor’s appointment and thinking you are well but being told you have stage four cancer. 

And you can’t remove some of these people from your life because they are family. You are forced to live with one  because of finances. You are raising the others. And the one you aren’t related to might have issues bigger than you can handle. 

This is how people become dead inside. I see it clearly now. Emotionless. Wandering. Faking it just to keep the attention off of them.  

Whatever. 

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