There is no Christmas carol for a woman my age, who has experienced what I have in my adult lifetime. One that reflects the feelings and thoughts evoked by what her life has boiled down to. Blessed with children and some family and great friends. But I’m homeless in a way. I’m alone. I have someone I could share this holiday season with as a significant other, but I’m not. He has a family and traditions that have not included me or my children for 45 years. I have traditions I’ve followed for the past 23 years, but I can not follow them any longer. I’m fighting to smile. Fighting to move on. And yet. Yet. These Christmas songs I hear pull me back to happier times. Ornaments and decor. People laughing. And of all the people in the entire world that I want to talk to about these feelings I’m feeling right now? The sadness and the loneliness and the uncertainty? It’s him. The one who did this to my life and the lives of my children. And I’m angry about that. He is vacationing with the woman who helped him destroy my marriage. Meeting her family. Soaking up the sun in NC. He does not have to look into the eyes of our children. He won’t be cooking or decorating. I’m here where it’s cold and raining. I’m here trying to help my kids feel good. I’m having a bad tIme of it right now. And there is no one I can vent to because I’m sick of my own voice, how can I expect them to want to hear it? All in all, I DO have a lot to be thankful for. So I’ll fight my fears and uncertainty and focus on that. I WILL move on. Somehow. But I will.
Happy Thanksgiving. Happy start to the 2016 holiday season. Damaged or not, my heart still holds love. I hold love. I’ll never give up.