So I’m still trying to navigate thru this ugly divorce. So much has happened since I have blogged last, I barely have the energy to write about it. My narcissist husband continues to shock me with his cruel ways, only he has no reason to hide them from me any longer as I serve no purpose to him in making him feel good about himself. He lies to our children on a regular basis. And I fear one of my children is eerily like him. Lying to get their way. Lying and exaggerating to make themself look like a victim, because being a victim gets you leniency when you misbehave. The divorce is not scheduled to be finalized for more than a month from now, yet I am not hopeful. He is making things really difficult. I am still on food assistance from the government while I await child support payments to begin. I believe his attorney has connections in the court system that are allowing immoral and unethical actions to take place. And it’s not paranoia. Yet it’s hard to prove. So I sit here and continue to be emotionally and financially abused while he flies to see his lover on a regular basis. While she flies to my home and meets my children. While she disrespects them and then they both claim it was only a home. And then he locks my kid out of the house because she voices her disdain. But I’m told this is not illegal behavior, only immoral.
I had met someone about three months ago and was reluctant to enter a relationship. But I did. And it felt wonderful to feel special and loved. It felt wonderful to feel desired and wanted. To be accepted for who I am, and to receive some support while I am going thru such an ugly time. You see, he was recently divorced and understands what a high conflict divorce feels like. I leaned on him while I let him pamper me. My kids loved him. I adored his daughter. It was like an instant family. There was a distance in our living arrangements but we made it work. Until…..
I discovered he has a gambling addiction. And he refuses to admit he has one. I tried to help him see the problem. I wanted to help him. Fix him. Under all the dysfunction, I believed there was a good man. And I believed I was worth it. I believed that my love would be enough to help him see he could have so much love and happiness without needing a crutch. I was wrong. And while I read and tried to understand what additions truly are, and how they affect a person’s life and way of thinking, I thought my love was strong enough to overcome this. I was wrong.
My brain understands that he is sick and needs help and it’s not a reflection of me or anything I am lacking, but my heart is broken. And it makes me feel worthless. And once again, it makes me feel as though I am not worth fighting for. And sadly, it makes me want to learn why I attract these men who have major issues? It’s like I’m wearing a giant red x on my chest, advertising that I’m a rescuer. A fool. And that I am forgiving and give chances. Chances that are abused and discarded, because I am not worth it.
And I sit here reading self-help books, hiding to do this, because the mother who created me and made me this way is nearby. Always watching. Always criticizing.