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It’s Been Awhile

It’s been awhile since I’ve added a blog entry. I’ve been very busy. I’ve been stressed. But mostly I’ve been filled with anxiety and fear. I’m still have trouble wrapping my brain around how I could have been so in love with a man, for over 22 years, so charmed by him, and how I could have so completely trusted him….yet now I’m afraid of him. Now I see a side of him, a side that was always there, but I could not see due to being blinded by love. 

Since I’ve written last, there have been threats, more lies, I’ve moved and I’ve filed for a divorce. I can’t even remember all the lies and terrible things that have happened since I last blogged. All I know is I’m terrified of this man still called my husband. The fear comes from seeing him unravel. Seeing him tell lies so frequently and so easily that he is slipping. He is not remembering to whom he tells what and not realizing that his stories are transparent and ridiculous, and easily proven wrong. That’s why I’m afraid. Because the more often he is caught lying, the more he is punishing me. He is keeping our joint checking account at a dollar amount so low, I’m having trouble supporting myself and the three children who moved with me. He canceled only my credit card. When he sees our children, he tells them I am taking all the money and leaving him with barely any. They are getting older and understand quite a bit, but I’m not sure if they understand this lie. If that were true, how can he afford to take them out to breakfast, lunch and dinner for the entire weekend while they visit with him? How is he affording to repaint and redecorate the home I painstakingly decorated and took care of? How did he afford to pay an attorney behind my back and then try to talk me into a dissolution rather than a divorce? He continues to hide and shift monies around in an attempt to keep me from what I earned by being a good and faithful wife/mother a d friend for over 22 years. He actually told our son that when I pay for anything right now, it’s really HE that’s paying because it’s HIS money, but if it makes me feel better, we can all pretend I’m the one paying. 

My nerves are shot. I’m ruining my teeth from grinding them. I have a headache that had not gone away in over a month. I’ve lost weight. But I’m here. I’m here and I’m not backing down. 

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