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Celebrating Love, Celebrating Freedom

Little things I did not realize I missed:
I have not had a television in my bedroom in nearly 20 years. It was not allowed before. “Bedrooms are for sleeping only.” I’m watching tv in my room right now. ☺️
While watching tv, I’m enjoying a small snack as I lay across my bed. It was not allowed before. “We do not sleep in the kitchen therefore we do not eat in the bedroom.” Potato chips might not have been the best choice, but these are the best chips I’ve enjoyed in nearly 20 years. I’m sure my dogs will catch any crumbs. ☺️
And lastly, my dogs are on the bed! They still look like they’re a little unsure when I call them up here and like they might be in trouble, but they’re relaxing more and more each day. ☺️
Tv, chips and dogs in bed. Happy Valentines Day to me!

Even with all this freedom, being away from the control and emotional and financial abuse I suffered with over these past 20+ years, even…..I’m still sad and lonely and depressed. And I’m pissed off and hurt that he gets to enjoy the company of two of our children during the Valentines Day weekend. And I’m alone. 

I’m not as tough as I project myself to be. 

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Oh SNAP

And by SNAP, I mean government assistance with food, The Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program, also known as SNAP. I’ll be applying for that on Tuesday, as well as Medicaid. He has cancelled my credit card, moved funds and kept our joint checking account balance so low that I am unable to adequately feed myself and three kids who are here with me. If I take the little that’s left in our joint checking account, he will claim he doesn’t have enough to feed himself and our daughter who stayed there with him. I know that wouldn’t be true because he has access to all the funds he has shifted around plus he has two credit cards. But he is planning things in such a way that he can claim I’m creating a hardship for him and neglecting our daughter. And he says he is doing all of this under the advisement of his attorney. And before he is formally served the papers where I filed for a divorce. Those papers have been at the post office for a week now, awaiting his signature. He knows this yet he will not go get them. You see, in those papers are documents explaining we are both under a financial restraining order. He knows this so he is buying time to move funds and remove me from accounts/change passwords so he can claim he had no idea he was not supposed to do this. This is under advisement from his attorney. He told our daughter all of this. She informed me. How despicable is that? He is punishing his children because he is mad that I did not look the other way when his affair was discovered. I did not buy his fake apologies and he is mad that I continued to catch him in lies. He is mad that I did not jump up and down, happily clapping my hands while he continued to see this woman while claiming to want to stay married to me because he loved me. He is pissed off and behaving like a spoiled child. I’m not being punished. His children are. And when the Magistrate finds out that I am receiving government assistance to feed these children while he brings home 6 figures annually? Well. I don’t think the Magistrate will be jumping up and down and clapping his hands either. 

He keeps pushing me. But I won’t fall down. But maybe he will when he is served those papers by a Process Server, at his place of employment, in front of everyone he thinks holds him in such high regard. And maybe he will when he has to explain to the Magistrate why I’m receiving government assistance to feed our children while he travels, remodels rooms in our residence that I was forced out of, buys imported clothing and shoes and colognes, and eats out every chance he gets. But he makes our daughter who lives there pay for her own cell phone and bras.  And most especially, when he is asked how he can buy dinner and drinks for his girlfriend and use our joint checking account to fund his affair while I can’t afford to buy groceries for our children and am healing from a surgery, without help from him at all. Maybe he will fall down then. 

The anger I feel is healthy. A friend described it to me as just the fuel I need to make the right choices and see just what an evil person he is. 

Oh and one more thing. I discovered for over a year now, notices have been mailed to him regarding a safety recall on my automobile. Potentially deadly, if ignored. He threw out these notices, time after time and never once informed me of the recall. I happened to receive a phone call last month while I was there and looked in the bill cabinet and found a notice he had not thrown out yet. It is a free repair. I’ll be taking the auto in myself to have these repairs made. But really? His daughter drove this auto for over a year, I drive it daily, still do, and I’m teaching another child to drive with it right now. And we could die in a crash if the airbag is deployed. Who does that?! WHY does someone do that?! Because they are evil. That’s why. 

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It’s Been Awhile

It’s been awhile since I’ve added a blog entry. I’ve been very busy. I’ve been stressed. But mostly I’ve been filled with anxiety and fear. I’m still have trouble wrapping my brain around how I could have been so in love with a man, for over 22 years, so charmed by him, and how I could have so completely trusted him….yet now I’m afraid of him. Now I see a side of him, a side that was always there, but I could not see due to being blinded by love. 

Since I’ve written last, there have been threats, more lies, I’ve moved and I’ve filed for a divorce. I can’t even remember all the lies and terrible things that have happened since I last blogged. All I know is I’m terrified of this man still called my husband. The fear comes from seeing him unravel. Seeing him tell lies so frequently and so easily that he is slipping. He is not remembering to whom he tells what and not realizing that his stories are transparent and ridiculous, and easily proven wrong. That’s why I’m afraid. Because the more often he is caught lying, the more he is punishing me. He is keeping our joint checking account at a dollar amount so low, I’m having trouble supporting myself and the three children who moved with me. He canceled only my credit card. When he sees our children, he tells them I am taking all the money and leaving him with barely any. They are getting older and understand quite a bit, but I’m not sure if they understand this lie. If that were true, how can he afford to take them out to breakfast, lunch and dinner for the entire weekend while they visit with him? How is he affording to repaint and redecorate the home I painstakingly decorated and took care of? How did he afford to pay an attorney behind my back and then try to talk me into a dissolution rather than a divorce? He continues to hide and shift monies around in an attempt to keep me from what I earned by being a good and faithful wife/mother a d friend for over 22 years. He actually told our son that when I pay for anything right now, it’s really HE that’s paying because it’s HIS money, but if it makes me feel better, we can all pretend I’m the one paying. 

My nerves are shot. I’m ruining my teeth from grinding them. I have a headache that had not gone away in over a month. I’ve lost weight. But I’m here. I’m here and I’m not backing down. 

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