We see the divorce attorney tomorrow. I feel sick.
I love him. I don’t like him.
I’m questioning everything I ever thought to be true. Am I doing the right thing.
Last night, I almost went upstairs and crawled in bed with him just to feel his arms again. I did not. I told him this this morning. He hugged me and asked if I had a bad dream, but the comfort or the sign I was looking for, the sign that maybe he had wished I had done that? It wasn’t there. I think he is relieved tomorrow is coming but won’t express that verbally. Why this hurts me all over again is confusing to me, but it does.
I’m remembering good things. The marriage proposal. Our honeymoon. The birth of each child. Family vacations. The way he used to smile when he saw me.
I’m remembering bad things. The confirmed affair. Suspected affairs. Lies. Insults. Lack of compassion. Hidden monies I discovered.
I’m questioning my ability to love, to know what true love really is.
I can not picture my life without him. I loved him to the point of losing myself. I still love him.
I can not picture staying with a man I don’t trust or feel emotionally safe with.
I want to scream, “help me!” but no one can help me. I have to do this.
I want someone to tell me what to do, but when people tell me what to do, I’m angry.
I want this pain to stop but I know I must process it before it can.
That is all.