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I Love Him, I Don’t Like Him

We see the divorce attorney tomorrow. I feel sick. 

I love him. I don’t like him. 

I’m questioning everything I ever thought to be true. Am I doing the right thing. 

Last night, I almost went upstairs and crawled in bed with him just to feel his arms again. I did not. I told him this this morning. He hugged me and asked if I had a bad dream, but the comfort or the sign I was looking for, the sign that maybe he had wished I had done that? It wasn’t there. I think he is relieved tomorrow is coming but won’t express that verbally. Why this hurts me all over again is confusing to me, but it does. 

I’m remembering good things. The marriage proposal. Our honeymoon.  The birth of each child. Family vacations. The way he used to smile when he saw me. 

I’m remembering bad things. The confirmed affair. Suspected affairs. Lies. Insults. Lack of compassion. Hidden monies I discovered. 

I’m struggling. 

I’m questioning my ability to love, to know what true love really is. 

I can not picture my life without him. I loved him to the point of losing myself. I still love him. 

I can not picture staying with a man I don’t trust or feel emotionally safe with. 

I want to scream, “help me!” but no one can help me. I have to do this. 

I want someone to tell me what to do, but when people tell me what to do, I’m angry. 

I want this pain to stop but I know I must process it before it can. 

That is all. 

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6 thoughts on “I Love Him, I Don’t Like Him

  1. MEliz says:

    I know what you mean, at least to some extent. When he had me served with papers in October 2012, my first reaction was that I wanted to cry on *his* shoulder. I used to have vivid dreams of us happy together (usually not even close to reality/memories) and wake up and cry. I would cry sometimes after seeing him because I wanted so badly on some level for him to hug me. I was taking the small positives we did have and inflating them in my mind. My divorce is approaching and while it’s going to be a relief and a positive thing on so many levels…it’s still hard. It still hurts. There’s still grief and loss and pain, but not so much for him *personally* now, if that makes sense.

    I don’t dream of him as my husband anymore. I struggle sometimes with being single, but I know that I don’t want *him*. My life is so much healthier and happier, I’m so much stronger and more at ease with myself, and I’m able to give my kids a full and happy life. I was thinking just the other day “Why doesn’t being a single parent feel more different?” and I realized that I had *been* essentially a single parent for most of the time, but had also been hampered by his random and irrational restrictions and whims, as well as his emotional needs and demands.

    It’s okay to feel however you feel. It’s okay and perfectly normal to have doubts and fears. It’s okay to feel loss and grief over a relationship even though it turned out to be more damaging than anything else. It’s not irrational…it’s human.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I’m just numb, I don’t know if I love him. I dream of him longing for him, longing for the times before the abuse before all the cheating. I’m glad to know that the feelings are sorta kinda normal and part of the process. Let me say I never wish to be his wife again, never ever.❤❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • It was very much like that for me as well. And it took me a long time to begin to feel differently. Even after everything he has done to me, and my children, I will not wish him ill. And I suppose I will always care about him in some way. I loved him so completely for so long. But I see now that it was not healthy. It was not balanced. And that love was toxic. And that I deserved so much more for myself and for my children. The longer I was out, the better things got. I wish I had a magic wand to wish you forward in time so you can get to the place I am, faster. But I know you will get there. Not feeling alone in what I was experiencing helped me tremendously. I started the blog as a way to vent and get it out and to also help others who might be feeling alone. Before the blog, I felt very alone most of the time.
      Now, I feel stronger, empowered and free. And my anger is almost all gone. I actually feel pity for him. If you can believe that.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Oh my kindhart I can relate to this entirely & I don’t wish my husband ill will either. I think I will always care (love) about him. I loved him too completely all my life since I was 17 years old. I just kept thinking he would change if I could get him to see how much I did love him. I know now that no amount of love can make someone change.
        My son introduced me to WordPress in an effort to have a place to journal and connect with other women like myself in the same position. It has been a great resource for me but for a while I could not even write about my experience because it triggered me so much and it felt like it was happening all over again. Im feeling a little bit stronger and not so much afraid I have good days and bad days but what was weird for me was and I still haven’t cried that he left, I have not shared a tear. I’ve cried from frustration when I’m dealing with something financially or something that I shouldn’t have to be dealing with.
        I’m so glad I found your site. I find it very rewarding to be able to communicate with someone who understands what I’m feeling and don’t judge me or tell me to just get over it. I feel grateful that I am free, that I get to eat everyday, no one is setting me up to look like the bad guy, no more of the games,walking around scared out of my mind. I’m sometimes almost happy.
        Keep blogging, there are so many more like me lost and trying to figure it all out. God bless❤❤

        Like

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