My beautiful friends are still sleeping. I am sitting here, reflecting on so much. I was completely surprised last night when several friends showed up to surprise me with a mini-party to celebrate my birthday. I was not expecting this, I am humbled. I’m not used to the positive attention. We spent the night in a hotel. I have had trouble sleeping for a long time, last night was no different, but I still had a wonderful time!
A few of these friends I do not see often so it was wonderful to visit and catch up. Sadly, we talked a lot about my marriage. No matter how much I tried to direct the conversation elsewhere, it just did not happen….and we always ended up back on the topic. It became so much more apparent to me just how tragic my life has become. How consuming my issues are. I do not want them to negatively define me.
One friend works with children and has experience in social work. She said many things, that while difficult to hear, I needed to hear. I need to make my choices soon. Very soon. These kids can no longer live in confusion and I can not model to them the dysfunction that is my life….and expect them to not repeat my mistakes.
I am siting here feeling humbled and blessed. But I’m also feeling somber and sad. I am about to begin the 45th year of my life and I need to start over. I need to do this for my kids, and for myself.
Thank you to my friends, you know who you are. I love you all so much. Thank you for sharing your weekend with me. Thank you for loving me and believing in me. And thank you for understanding.